I got a call...

I got a call on Sunday.

We have a policy that we don't answer calls on Sunday's because it's usually someone from the ward... and you know how THOSE calls go.

Yet, I answered it. Don't ask me why because I can't tell you.

It was my Bishop.

NOT a good sign.

He asks me if I knew I had an appointment with him that was 5 minutes ago.

Me: "uhhhh no..."

Him: "hmmmm it has you scheduled on here? Can you come down to the church in the next 15 minutes?"

Me:  against my better judgement I say, "sure".

So I rush down there (a block and a half a way) and meet with the Bishop.

He wanted to extend me another calling.

Ut oh.

If any of you know me AT ALL you will immediately begin to laugh the minute you find out what I was called to.

Ready?

YOUNG WOMEN'S GIRL'S CAMP.....







WAIT FOR IT...








DIRECTOR!!!

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HEHEHEHEHE!!! LOL LOL LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I asked him if he was kidding. He said he wasn't.

Now we have a choice whether we want to accept the callings or not. But as I told my newest online BFF textpal, who I like to refer to as the other half of my soul, we will call her Doppleganger or DG for short because I will probably refer to her more often (and YES she is a real person-except she isn't evil which usually dopplegangers are, but she is my look- alike in personality-and so I'm going with it, she's actually a lot prettier than me, but we won't talk about it) we don't have to accept the calling, we can turn it down, but I figure if I'm getting called there is a reason.

And I think that reason is God is playing a joke on me, because I did make a New Year's Resolution to not camp at ALL ever again for the rest of my life...

Okay I didn't make that resolution... but I should have!

I avoid camping. I'll go and be so fun, but I don't love it.

I went to 2 years of Young Women Girl's Camp and I think only certified one year!

Now I am in charge of the girls in my ward to take them camping, and on top of that... I have to make sure they are fed physically AND spiritually... oh oh oh... and try to help them have fun!?

Pray for me...

Actually, better yet, pray for the girls!


p.s. Any suggestions you have to help me... would be much appreciated because I doubt twinkles and ho ho's are acceptable food substitute's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...

Love,

I am seriously considering it...

You guys, I am so sorry... but I found something out about myself this weekend.

You may never read me again.

But I got an email and was approached about having a love affair... and the email was so eloquent and so convincing that I'm seriously considering it.

Please don't tell my husband if you know him or his email.

But this person just has a way with words and I can't help myself, I have been thinking about it non stop since I was approached...

Here is the email-- please don't judge me-- understand that I am missing this in my life...

"Hello
my name is miss Jahira,i found your email contact today on this medium and i will like to have a love affair with you,if you are interested please contact me through my email ID (jahira.ahmed@rediffmail.com)for easy communication.thanks from Jahira.
Waiting for your reply to my email address soon."

There was no picture attached to it, but I bet she is hot, if anybody is going to turn me it's going to be a lesbian called Jahira.

I'll understand if you no longer want to read me...

Sigh.

Love,

The Motorcycle Cop and I, and my late registration...

Image taken from HERE.

So here's my story about me, a cop, and late registration.

See I got the thing in the mail that reminds you to register your car because it's coming due.

I saw it and put it in my pile for me to "remember to follow up on".

Then it sat there.

For three months.

My registration came and went... for two months I drove around on expired plates.

It's not that I didn't have money to do it... no... it's because I have somewhat of a lazy-last-on-my-priority-list-to-get-van-inspected-so-it-can-get-registered bone. I just never found "time" to do it.

Let me sidenote here: We have places around here that can inspect your vehicle AND register it... all right there. One convenient stop and you are all done.

Continuing on with my story...

Let me just remind you I have a sixth sense. I hadn't worried about driving on late plates for weeks and weeks... but this day, this particular day, I was a bit paranoid about it. Driving and looking around to see if there were any police officers around... for which I find out I had good reason!

I'm stopped at a red light and all of a sudden a motorcycle cop comes up next to me on my driver side window and gives the universal sign to roll down my window. I rolled it down. He proceeded to tell me that he needed me to pull into the gas station (as he pointed his whole arm diagonally). I nodded my head okay... knowing full well why he was pulling me over.

He then... pulls around me and stops traffic... so that I could get over to pull into the gas station. I'm pretty sure I made his day with all the humiliation. I may have huffed a few names that I shall not repeat, in my head, at him-- (they may have sounded like tummy but with a D).

Anyway... I pull into the gas station and he pulls up behind me and parks his bike and walks up to me.

Cop: "Soooooo... tell me the story. Why haven't you registered your vehicle?"

Me: at no time in my life have I ever been able to lie when someone straight out asks me a direct question like that face to face... so this is what I said, "Ummm" shrugs shoulders, "I just haven't found the time."

Cop: proceeds to quote somebody about "not finding the time" and "wasting" something or other. Then he sees the silly bands I wear because my kids gave them to me to wear and I couldn't say no (So yes, I wear silly bands, and with PRIDE!) and the cop tells me a story about how some little kids circulation was cut off from them, we are getting chummy, or so I thought, and then he says, "License, Registration and insurance card please."

Me: I say in my mind, "crap, he's going to write a ticket some friend HE is". Give him my registration and I.D. but can't seem to find the insurance card. I'm calling my husband, who doesn't answer... I say, "Uuuhhh I can't find my insurance card. I swear I put it in here? But it's not anywhere??? Let me call my husband again." He walks back to his bike while I continue to call my husband 10 times and he has yet to answer... so I leave a mean mean message... frantic and mean.

Cop: walks back up to the van and says, "It says in my system you are insured... so I don't need to see your card. I only gave you one violation (he could have ticketed me for not having my insurance card in my van) which will cost you $40.00 blah blah blah..."

The rest you know.

 I pull out of the gas station and my husband calls...convenient.

So I go on my trip to Missouri. As soon as I get back I go to this place where we know the owner and my husband follows me there. We pull up and our friend is working, so we walk over to him and shoot the breeze. Then... my husband proceeds to tell him what happened to me. I tell him WHY I hadn't registered the car yet, because I hadn't found the time to get it inspected... he asks me what year my van is. I tell him. He starts to laugh. Apparently, my car didn't need an inspection this year!!! I could have registered it online ANYTIME!

That's right.

I got myself a $40.00 lesson in reading all of the reminder when it comes in the mail.

Our friend registered our van and I was off to wallow in my stupidity.


So NO I didn't go to jail... but now that I registered my van, as long as I show proof of that... my ticket gets reduced to $30.00..lucky me...pppfffttt.

Learn from me people... learn from me.

It still didn't stop me from being P.O'd at the cop for writing me a ticket in the first place! Just sayin...

Love,



P.S. If you have a Letter to write or want to Guest Contribute about a Holiday story, click HERE for more info!

I hate PUBLIC RESTROOMS!!!

I got this in an email... it fits PERFECTLY with my other bathroom stories on this blog, and it has been awhile since I have shared one of my own... believe me, this has SOOOOOO been me!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty .

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one , but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, ( Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."


In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse . (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in thepuffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest , and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny , crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .

It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late . Yourbare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom nevertouched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear

"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.


You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from yo ur shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,"Here, you just might need this".


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" .................


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse,and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!


A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find...
Supportive....
Comfortable ...

Always Lifts You Up...

Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging,
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

And people wonder WHY I hate public restrooms. I could have written this I've BEEN there DONE that!!!

Have a good weekend everyone! I'm going to try and make it to your blogs this weekend! Miss you all!

And BRIAN is writing how Body Image has effected him in life and marriage over at Real World... it's a great story!

Your laughter for the day... VIDEO

Today I have a feeling you are in need of a funny video... I have a sixth sense about these things! :)

So here you go, you can thank me later!

The end is the best part! I was crying laughing, crying! :)



HAHAHAHA! My favorite part... "I might do a duck!" lol!

Love,

My Co-Worker and the GYM--and CHIEF has a good toilet story!!!

I walk into work early today and sit down at my desk. Usually it's not long until someone wanders over to say, "Hi".

I have favorites though... the ones that make me laugh when I have one eye open and my body feels like lead because it's not quite awake yet.

For instance...

My friend, we will call him LAX, wandered over this morning and said, "I went to the gym yesterday Shelle!"

We had talked about this yesterday, him wanting to get back into going to the gym but saying that he always seems to find other stuff MORE important to occupy his time... like editing pictures,(we have that photography bond). :)

So I turn around and said, "Oh really! Good LAX!!! That is so great! I'm proud of you!"...and sounded exactly like a cheerleader!

Lax says, "Oh don't get too excited... on my way over there I snacked on to Hostess chocolate cupcakes and a bag of Doritos!"

I laughed and laughed and then said, "Well it IS a long drive... that 5 minutes can be excruciating!"

He smiled and said,"So when I got there I didn't feel like doing much... so it wasn't a real productive trip to the gym, baby steps ya know."

I said, "Well at least you got the feel of it... first step is always the hardest! :)"

But the real issue here is, ever since he has mentioned those Hostess CupCakes I can't stop thinking about them! It's pathetic!

On another note... I was actually getting to reading through my Google Reader when all of a sudden all of my blogs I follow disappeared!!! What the CRISS ANGEL??? I panicked and freaked and then just had to get off... But before all that happened...

I found a TOILET STORY friend. You guys this post made me laugh SO HARD! I am eternally bonded to CHIEF now because this story I can relate to!

So from ONE PUBLIC BATHROOM STORY freak to the NEXT... thanks CHIEF for THIS POST!!!

Anybody have a cupcake I can smell? That way no calories and I will still be winning the NO SUGAR challenge I am currently in... :)

Love,




P.S. ZENMOM wrote her first post over at Real World Venus vs. Mars today... it is SOOOOO good you guys, seriously, you need to go check it out!

If I only had a monkey...

When I was a young girl I had a friend that could climb trees like he was a monkey. He would wrap his arms and legs around the trunk and then grab and pull all the way up to the highest branch of our backyard trees.

Scared the crap out of me every time... but I envied him.

I wanted to be able to climb trees--I tried mind you, I tried, but all I could do is wrap my arms and legs around the base of the tree!!!

My Mom didn't like me to, she was scared I would get hurt or something... so my dream of tree climbing was crushed for the 1.2 seconds I dreamt it...

Then I was sent this video, go in about 5 minutes:


Which explains that I am right to blame my parents for not being a climber. If they would have done their duty and moved to Africa where I could have met a monkey that was my best friend and I followed around everywhere at the age of four, having no fear, and climbing where the monkey climbed, then my fingers would have developed into climbers fingers and I would now be a living spider woman, PLUS be in incredible body shape with 16% body fat.

I've never even been wall climbing... unless you count the one at the playground that is only a foot taller than me... I seriously smoke all the kids when we race on that one, and I free climb, meaning NO ropes for all you amateur play ground climbers.

So now that I am a parent... I feel it is my duty to live vicariously through my children... so I'm off to Africa to find a monkey...

Okay I kid... I kid...

But seriously, anybody have a monkey they can borrow me for like 5 years??? My daughter just turned four and I want her to have what I never did...

Love,



Seriously though... isn't that amazing!!! Had to share cause that's what I do. :)

Kritta slapped me from behind! FFFF Pics!

I'm leaving on a Jet Plane you guys... and its about FREAKING time!!!

MSM and I are going on Vacation. Kids get to spend time with Grandma, Grandpa, and cousins and we are taking off!

But guess what is happening during that time?

Guess what my BBFF did for me?

Ya'll know Kritta? Sewing and Mom extraordinaire??? She wants to pull me out of my HOMELESS corner... she wants to save me from pimping myself out so to speak.

Remember how I told you that I have been entering all these contests to win a BLOG Makeover?

I've been sitting on my street corner panhandling and Kritta finally felt sorry for me and put money in my cup! Or got me a BLOG MAKEOVER!!! Can you believe that? She didn't do it in front of my face either... she didn't it behind my back! (The best kind of friend if you ask me) My eyes runneth over as I jumped up and down for joy! I was going to be getting a face lift! But the kindness doesn't end there... I get a tummy tuck, microdermabrasion, and boob job... I might not look the same from the OUTSIDE... but I will still be the same on the inside... just looking more like a Victoria Secret model instead of my current state of homelessness, dirty, white trash who has chocolate letter cut outs.

All of this is happening starting this weekend into the next week.

So I will be taking my REAL LIFE vacation AND my Blog cation at the same time.

If I get a chance to update and/or post... ya KNOW I will cause I'm highly dedicated to this blog and don't go anywhere without my lap top. But if you don't hear from me here... you will know why!

But I'll still be on TWITTER!!! Your. Welcome! :)

In the mean time.

My kids are not allowed to get on my computer. They get it dirty and ruin stuff fast... so mine is off limits. We have another one for them... our old one.

So you will understand that I was surprised when I saw this evidence that they don't listen to me!!!






They even involved their friend on the crime!!!
I can't believe they would do that behind my back... it looks like that is happening a lot around these parts.

Well here is some pictures to remember ME by... until we meet again!


Join Candid Carrie's Friday Foto Finish Fiesta!

And THANKS KRITTA... I LUB YOU!!! And I can't wait for Creative Blog Designs to do my major surgery!!!

***I will still be getting your comments on my phone while I'm away... so PLEASE PLEASE comment and give me your funniest random comment to keep me entertained!!! PUH-LEASE!!!

When I get my new makeover I'm going to be starting a MOST FAVORITE COMMENT OF THE WEEK series... ya'll be the stars and YOU WILL love it!!!

Love,

BLOG-GONE INSANE-RESPONDER

Shelle is not in right now at least not here--in the post section of blogger writing new posts or pre-posting any posts.

You will find her twittering/facebooking (thank you tweetdeck), reading YOUR blogs and commenting, connecting through comments on Real World Venus vs. Mars comments (such a fun community!)--preparing for new idea of THEME week starting next week with COMPATIBILITY on RWVM, wondering how Sage and Kritta can be alter ego's/same person yet live in two different time zones (read comments below) and READING YOUR BLOGS and COMMENTING.

She might also be doing but can't promise... vacuuming, scrubbing bathroom walls and floors, dusting, laundry, and/or cooking. HAHAHAHAHA--okay you're right, that was to make me look good.

She will be working her full-time job. Getting to photos she has neglected to edit...edited, taking her kids somewhere doing SOMETHING.
Paying attention to her husband, scripture reading, and meditating in prayer.
You may find her via google chat, through email, by leaving more RANDOM THOUGHTS in her comment box so she has something to twitter, or on someone else's blog.

So she has NO TIME to rub two sentences together to make even a remotely funny thought or post for blogger.


She will be back after the holiday but will only be able to show up three times a week for the rest of the summer, but she will show up nonetheless, here, sometime, so please do not de-follow her because she doesn't have time to make VOODOO dolls.

Love,




AKA her Blog-Gone Insane-Responder!!!

Vote for the Worst!

Warning: This post is dripping with sarcasm and shouldn't be taken seriously--except for the cool part I'm being serious about that, OH! and the part where I tell you about the "Other Nominees" that is true and unsarcastic.

The first time I found out about the site, VOTE FOR THE WORST.COM was when Sanjaya on American Idol season SIX kept getting through. My co-worker walks in STEAMING mad and plops himself down on my desk and says in a huff, "I found out through reading on (random website) that the only reason that *$#* Sanjaya is getting through is because of this website called VOTE FOR THE WORST.COM." Then he proceeds to grab my mouse and type in the designated URL to show me what he was talking about.

Sure enough. It said on the Headliner…"help us get Sanjaya to the finals" or something similar to that.

I huffed and puffed with my co-worker, supporting him in his disgust, and then when he left I spent the next hour laughing my butt off at the blog posts, cause I have wicked twisted humor like that!

Why am I telling you this you ask?

Well you know that HOT little button up there on the right hand side bar that says I have been nominated for "Hottest Mommy Blogger". (Actually I paid Crash really well to nominate me--anybody need to earn a few bucks next year? Or better yet… WHO WANTS TO WIN A MILLION DOLLARS and be my campaign manager?)

Well I've been surfing along the internet and have noticed a crime happening. There are like UMPTEEN MILLION people nominated for that SAME blog award!!! Here I thought I was special, loved, and adored… yet I looked through those other nominees, and I'm not going to lie to you folks… I'm the Sanjaya of the group!


My best PHOTOBOOTH picture EVA!

If they had a VOTE for the WORST-shouldn't-have-paid-someone-to-nominate-them BLOGGER.COM site--they would be beggin for votes for me!

The only thing I have going for me is that I lose a pound for every vote!

And yes, that was TOTALLY a fat joke!

But the other nominees, and these are just the few I know,Scary Mommy, Alyson, and Heidi… are incredibly worthy of the button, have blog stalkers because they are funny and excellent writers, and deserve to win. So they REALLY should get all the votes.


That's what I think about that!

So ALLS I'm sayin is… VOTE FOR THE WORST… or at LEAST put me up for Best Blog Design award… cause if that header isn't the coolest thing you've ever seen since Fraggle Rock, I don't know WHAT is!

Plus… I have a family reunion I need to lose 15 pounds for cause nobody wants to be known as the cool FAT Aunt and I've already got ONE thing against me… I'm WAY cool!

*Please put in comments what you would like me to nominate you for and where I send the money when you vote for me. Thank. You.

1. For every twitter where you pimp out my nomination you will get a new car of your choice.
2. For every Facebook post you do to YELL out my nomination you get paid vacation time and trip ANYWHERE you want to go.
3. If you open multiple accounts, vote for me, so that I can illegally win, you will win the BAIL OUT money.
4. If you start a website called VOTE for the WORST-shouldn't-have-paid-someone-to-nominate-them BLOGGER.COM site and put me in the headlines everyday you will get three wishes from a Genie in a bottle.
5. If you nominate me for BEST BLOG DESIGN--I'll drop kick you.

P.S. In order to vote you have to tell the story of your life and give your SS# and all Acct#'s to get an account, then, and ONLY then, will it allow you to vote. I'm towards the END of the list, push past all the actual HOT Mommy's and then you'll see me.

Love,

What I would have given to be a fly in his truck!

MSM related this story to me yesterday.  So it receives my honorary STUPID SIGN award this month/or week/or whenever I do it.

He was at a stop light waiting for the light to turn green.  The cross walk was counting down telling the imaginary people how much time they had left before the light turned green and they wouldn't be allowed to walk anymore.

My guy told me that some REALLY SMART MAN jumped out of his truck (must have REALLY been in a hurry) and ran OVER to the cross walk post and repeatedly jabbed at the button to make the light turn faster!

Here's your Sign Dude!

P.S. He didn't make it back into his truck before the light turned green either!!! 

HA!  

Karma is awesome!

Anybody else want to give a stupid sign away??? They are free today!

Love,

Port-a-Potty's... I picked door number 3!

Well Memorial Day was filled with the Lake and Jet Ski's and…

Great Scenery

And cute little people that warm my heart…


And people that make me laugh…


And my WHITE legs, arms, and face…

I was a good girl, I put sunscreen on EVERYTHING but my legs.

Why did I forget my legs you ask?

I got DISTRACTED… my niece needed it on her and asked if I would help her… and then… well let's just say you could FRY an egg on the heat coming off of my SO-SAD bright red skin.

I did learn, however, that I actually LIKE the water to be choppy when cruising/speeding along on a Jet ski. You can get some air! Hehehe… a lot of fun! So glad my BIL invites us along! :)

But you HAVE to know that it is DUE time for a bathroom story.

No worries. This one involved a Port-a-Potty!

I'm honestly SCARRED for life. In fact, I have recurring nightmares while I'm AWAKE.

When we get to the Lake we park in the designated parking area. I see a bathroom facility… but is CLOSED down. All there is, is THREE Porta-Potty's off to the side.

I think to myself, "So glad I don't have to go to the bathroom". Fate would prove otherwise. Of course!

Well, bouncing around on a Jet Ski, drinking two water bottles full of water, an apple, and a couple of handfuls of pistachio's later (that I had to de-shell myself…UGH) I honestly couldn't HOLD it or there would be severe consequences.

So I trudge through the unforgiving sand, uphill, to reach the port-a-potty's.

OH MY GOSH/GADNESS/insert expletive here… (I should have taken a hint when I saw that people had peed on the rocks and weeds around the port-a-potty's) first one I open… someone had PEED in the part where you should be able to wash you hands, if for some reason you had WATER to wash your hands with… lift the seat? FILLED! I know guys--I dry heaved also. So I high tail it out of that one.

Hop over to the next one. Someone had an accident ALL over… just all OVER!!! Yea… that time I threw up a little in my mouth. Wasn't going in there.

Last one… NO TOILET paper… but it wasn't FILLED to the top… so that was a plus. So I braved my way back over to the First one and grabbed the toilet paper. Then I had to rely on my thighs to keep me away from the disease infested toilet seat because I wasn't trusting that toilet paper. I was already going to have to use the bare minimum to wipe… and I'm sorry to have to get this out, but I didn't just have to pee which is why I even had to tough my way through that or I would have held it… BELIEVE ME.

I mean, you guys are probably infected with something just reading this.

It was horrible… and I showered for at least a 1/2 hour.

But the BBQ later that night made up for it! :) Okay, not really. But the food was good.

How did you guys fair yesterday?

Love,

Shelle

I think my husband is prettier than me!

Okay, I had an experience over the weekend that MUST be shared and MUST be discussed.

I was shopping at WalMart aka WallyWorld aka WalMarts aka the store one step below Target.

MountainSport Man was with me.

Go figure.

We were checking out, minding our own perfectly oblivious business...

The Checker, nice lady named Barb, said her Hi to us.

I looked at my husband and said, "Hon, do you have your card handy?" Because mine was in my purse underneath ALL the groceries...why I put it there? I don't know? It's just one of those habits that is hard to break (It's a HARD habit to break...come on, SING IT WITH ME--you know you love Chicago).

MSM: "Yea, here I got it"

Barb the Checker: "Oh!" looking surprised! "Are you guys...oh...your married?"

Me: Giving her a DUH look.

MSM: Giving her a woman-your-crazy-if-you-think-I-would-deal-with-this-girl-if-I-wasn't-married-to-her look.

Barb the Checker: "WOW...you guys have picked up each other's characteristics. You look similar."

Me: Giving her the whatthewhat?-you-did-not-just-say-that-I-looked-like-a-guy look.

MSM: Starts to smirk.

Barb the Checker: Looks at me and then starts back pedaling, with a sweet as honey smile she says, "I mean to say, you guys compliment each other...a very good looking couple."

I just smiled. My husband THANKED her for the compliment.

We bought our groceries and started walking out to the parking lot.

My husband being, my husband, turned to me with a smart smirk on his face and said, "So...do you think she was saying I was getting prettier? Or you were getting more handsome?" pause... "I think she was saying I was getting prettier..."

In her defense...and for the sake of my pride... I was wearing a hat, hadn't showered, and my natural beauty wasn't shining through (I'm sure).

Either that...or I should be worried that my husband is prettier than me.

He DID buy designer jeans that looked freaking HOT on him a few weeks ago.



This one is pretty recent, self photo, and yea don't know why I looked freaked out here... my hubby is 30 pounds heavier here, I think he would like me to make note about that, he's pretty vain about it...



Hmmmm... can't tell with the sunglasses really... maybe that was her trying to tell me I had a 5 o' clock shadow?

No, not possible...I just got waxed... :)



Okay...now this one freaks me out a bit...

What does that MEAN? I wonder when my hubs and I are holding hands or necking in the parking lot if incest comes to people's minds?

Oh my GOSH, I gotta go, I just threw up in my mouth.

Anybody else out there get this? Am I alone? Please tell me I'm not getting Handsome-er!

Love,

Shelle

P.S. Hope y'all had a good weekend!

P.S.S. If you got time, go check out the most recent post at The Real World Venus vs. Mars...and then do yourself a favor and FOLLOW cause we are having some GREAT discussions over there...it's like our OWN suburban neighbor hood where we BBQ on our street and the kids are running around being crazy and the Adults are chatting away tuning them out! It's GREAT!

Are you spying on me through my Webcam?

Etiquette Lessons: I had someone suggest I give more etiquette lessons (after I finished laughing and breathing deeply I thought it might be fun)...the person said they learned a lot from the Courtesy Flush, Cell Phones in the Bathroom, and Airplane Seatbelts. (Sarcastic little thing aren't they?)

I would LOVE to tell you ALL that I know...but I want to KNOW what you want me to TEACH you about? Cause believe it or not...I only know about people not knowing the right etiquette when it happens to me personally and then feel like I have a job to let the rest of the world know!

SO...if you are stumped with certain etiquette whether it has to do with Bedroom Etiquette, Bathroom Etiquette, heck ANY ROOM etiquette or just plain WHATEVER you want to know about...leave it in the comment section on any post and make sure you mention Etiquette in it so I know to answer that question...or email it to me if you want to be Anonymous!!! blokthoughts@gmail.com :) Cause I'll understand if you are embarrassed for not following the right Etiquette! lol!

__________________________________________

The best part about meeting new people is you never know what to expect!

I love that part!

Which is why I call myself a people person, because some people just don't appreciate the unexpected like I do.

Depending on my mood...sometimes I think I attract the weird.

And I mean that how it sounds...I meet weird people.

Mostly when I travel...

This is one of those times.

Now when I travel by myself, I like to bring a long novel along just in case. That way, I can read it if I want to look like I'm not interested in conversation...

...because there is nothing like getting on a plane and sitting next to a chatter box when you absolutely don't feel like talking, or the persons breath stinks... *shudder*

But sometimes...I like to sit and look like I'm open to conversation, especially if the person I sit next to looks interesting. Whether they are male of female...sometimes I feel like chatting, and I feel I can read body language enough to know if people are up to it or not.

So...I met this guy on the plane.

LOL...

OHMYGADNESS this guy was a WEIRDO. I'm not being rude as much as I am stating fact. He was a nerd in the most stereotypical way...and...I fell in love with him instantly!

Don't think into this...I "fall in love" with people a lot...not the love I feel for my husband where I want to jump his bones or rip his head off or tell them my deepest darkest secrets...but the kinda love that I just automatically bond and feel comfortable with them, the love I feel for an instant friend!

Well this guy, will call him Harry, was a TALKER! Which was great because I was in one of THOSE moods. So I put my book away.

After we got through the "where are you from" and "what do you do" and "what is your name?" conversation we proceed onto a conversation about computers and web cams...OHMYGOSH I haven't tried to keep in laughter like that for the LONGEST time!:

Harry: "Do you have a webcam?"

Me: "Yea...they came with both of my computers. You know built in or whatever."

Harry: Shocked face of horror..."Do you know people can stalk you through your webcam?"

Me: "No I did not." Eyes wide, and loving that I sat by a crazy!

Harry: "Well, the government uses them to spy on enemies that infiltrate the country...but people can also do it, and I believe people from other WORLDS...those that know how anyway! Blah...blah...blah..."

Me: "Do YOU know how?"

Harry: "Uh...no...I'm still trying to figure it out."

Me: "Then how do you know FOR SURE that this stuff really happens?"

Harry: "I can't tell you that...it's classified." If I had a dollar for everytime a guy used THAT excuse! :)

Me: I smile...then in the most level voice I could I said,"I understand...I won't push you to tell me anything else...but should I be worried? Can I talk to the people on the other side...or is there not any sound, just video?"

Now this is important so pay attention...

Harry: "As far as I know...they have SOUND and VIDEO...it's just another way for the government to be involved in our lives...that's why I don't have a webcam on ANY of my computers."

Then he talked on an on about how we are traced and like robots and all that jazz. Don't be surprised when I tell you I actually have had similar conversations with other people like that (not the webcam, but the other stuff)...the first one being when I was like 12 and riding home with a friend and her Dad...the guy creeped me out and I was scared to death of being kidnapped by someone in the government for years.

Anyway...

I took what Harry said to heart.

I now make sure that every once in a while I walk by my WebCam nekked showing off my after child birth body, so that I scare the stalkers, aliens, or govenment workers away!

I don't want them hanging around in MY webcam ya know?

And I think I've been successful!

So tell me...are YOU a people person? And do you believe Harry? And remember...if you have anthing you want to know about Etiquette...please, don't hesitate to ask me...

Love,

Shelle

I use to be ignorant...but my husband won't let me.

I blame my crude sense of humor on my husband. Before I met him I was the INNOCENT of innocence...if you catch my drift.

I was appalled when someone talked about anything with naked or sex in it...even though the devil on my shoulder would chuckle, a little, I never let it known.

People would laugh at me because you can't cover up an actual SHOCKED face...I would always get, "Shelle you are SO ignorant or Shelle you are SO niave!"

Which I hated and loved all at the same time. Because in a sense, when people tell you, you are ignorant they mean it in a non-offensive, nice way, but they are essentially telling you that you are stupid. And slap me with a popsicle but I don't particularly like being called stupid.

But I got over it...when I met my husband. He thought it was "cute" that I essentially didn't know what he was talking about when he made a somewhat crude innuendo or joke...and because I thought he was CUTE/SEXY/HOTTER than HADES I took that "cute" as a compliment!

But I WANTED to know what he meant...so there was a LOT of explaining on his part...and a lot of "OH! WOW! REALLY?" from me.

Don't get me wrong...my husbands a good church going guy...but he's human, and well, he's a GUY, ya know?

Anyway, I think this video is funny. It's rated PG-13 if you can see the picture...and PG if you can't...hehehe



Come on...lol...no judging, except for Kristina P., because its one of her resolutions and I don't want to be the failure for ANYBODY'S resolution!

Now THAT video is the perfect example of my UNWORD of the day...TOTALLY Nastola!!!

Love,

Shelle

Part 2-The moral of the story is...always pay up on your debts!!!

I'm going to continue the story...even though I should have stopped where I stopped.

Oh and sorry I didn't give you a HUGE warning about how disgusting it was...but have ANY of my bathroom stories been all that clean or sweet or even somewhat digestable?

Sorry.

If you need to catch up, part 1 is below this post.

So I KNEW in the back of my mind that I needed to yell for help.

But I didn't. I just sat there, on the top of the counter, with my knees up to my chest and my chin on my knees and looked on in shock.

The water evenutally stopped coming down, and there was a nice puddle of greenish-brownish...(Well, use your imagination).. around the toilet, but that is about it...

While I was sitting there, contemplating suicide or at least a quiet escape, there came a soft knock...

knock, knock, FREAKIN' knock.

I stiffened, froze, HORROR struck...I thought, "If I don't move, don't say a word, maybe they will go away, maybe...just maybe...a HOLE will open up in this sink and swallow me...OH PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bless that a hole will swallow me...PLEASE, I won't ask for another thing in my LIFE...Just PLEASE get me out of this!!!"

But...this was to be a lesson to me...what lesson? I still have no idea!

"Uh, Shelle, is everything all right? I think I heard the toilet clog...do you need some help? You flushed it a second time so it probably flooded huh? It's my fault, I should have warned you that if it didn't flush to just to leave it for about 15 minutes and then it will flush down...I'm sorry..."

CONNOR!

"Connor?"

"Yea, do you want to unlock this so I can see the damage?"

I started crying, and not pretty crying where it slowly rolls down my cheeks and my wide blue eyes glisten in the light...

No, nothing like that...

But SOBBING...UNCONTROLLABLE...UGLY crying.

"Shelle?" he laughs, "don't cry...it's really not a big deal. It happens all the time. Just unlock the door and I'll give you a hand with it."

He LAUGHED at me...if I had dared to let myself out of that bathroom I would have thrown my skinny body-chicken legged self at him and clawed his eyes out..."Are you out of your MIND!!!" I yelled, or something similar to that statement, "there is no WAY I am letting you in here to see this mess...it STINKS, and I'm totally EMBARRASSED already...so FORGET it! Just tell me where the cleaning stuff is and I'll take care of it!....please"

Then nothing...it's like Connor abandoned me.

"Connor?"

Still nothing. CRAP! Was he going to get a spare key to open the door? Was he going to get his Mom? CRAP! Where was he? What was he doing?

I was hiccuping at this point...my eyes were red and swollen, and my fair Irish freckled skin was blotchy...the only thing I had going for me was that I had worn water-proof mascara!

I think I sat there for a good 10 minutes while my FECAL matter sat puddled around the toilet, (linoleum floors...so that was good) and the water was slowly receding inside the toilet bowl.

And then, like after any GOOD cry, my brain started to function again. And I thought it was time to look for cleaning supplies...but before I could HOP down off the counter, Connor came back and started playing with the lock and in 3.2 seconds the guy had the door opened and was smiling at me!

I jumped down from the counter...feet splashing in the puddle, because it would have been to SMART of me to jump even 2 inches forward so that I didn't hit the fecal matter puddle..."AAAAACCCCKKKK! CONNOR! Get out!"

And then he just laughed! Like a gut wrenching laugh! And turned around to grab some supplies he had brought with him to clean up. "Please Connor...let me clean this up...please leave...your KILLING me here!"

And as if I hadn't said anything at all...he just began to clean it up. I, of course, helped him, humiliated and grossed out.

It didn't take long...and the toilet flushed...THE TRAITOR...as soon as Connor began cleaning, so all became well again.

Until Connor got up from cleaning the last of the puddle. He just smiled at me and said, "You do stink!" scrunched his nose, then went out in the hall and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and continued, "so put these on, give me your pants, and I'll wash them with these rags. And NO worries, this is our little secret...but you will owe me..." then winked, turned, and walked out the bathroom door.

Okay, he didn't wink...but he did leave me as I sputtered after him saying, "What do you mean I will owe you? Like pay for damages? Owe you how?"

He just closed the door.

He never did tell my friend. And luckily she never asked questions that night.

But as we drove home together the next day...we almost crashed because we were laughing so hard because I honestly can't keep stuff like that in...everything seems funnier in the light of day!!!

Doesn't it?

I honestly can't tell a short story! I'm sorry!

Moral of the story: "Never go to the bathroom at a cute guys house period! Risk dying or going to the emergency room! And ALWAYS pay up on your debts...because that actually was ALMOST worth the whole thing..."

ALMOST... Okay...it was WELL worth it! But if I had to go back and do it again...I would have found another way to OWE Connor...

Love,

Shelle

P.S. And sorry about yesterdays post...I fixed the spelling errors, but you have to realize...I write my posts and post them, I rarely return to see what I wrote until later in the day. Flatuation is not even a word and neither is unevitable. *hangs head in shame*

Me and Bathrooms don't mix... part 1

I think it's about time that I tell you of another bathroom-HORRIBLE-experience I had.

It may explain the reason why I hate going to the bathroom so much.

Because HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, EMBARRASSING things happen in bathrooms...things that will be shown on the BIG SCREEN movie of my life for everyone to see...totally humiliating.

I wonder when the movie of your life is showing if it is under a certain category. Like those people that have lots of tragedies in their life, if it will be like--JANE'S life showing in 5 minutes...a short two-heaven-hour drama, you might want to bring a tissue for this one?--

Like for my life. SHELLE'S life showing in 20 minutes...a long 10-heaven-hour COMEDY on bathroom and bodily function mishaps...you won't want to miss it, it will keep you laughing for days!

LOL---that would be kinda funny... :)

Anyways,

I feel if I get it out now...and explain the situation to those that may care or may be embarrassed because their names are attached to mine, like my kids...maybe people and my kids will have pity on my?
K they were like 4 and almost 2 here...OH I LOVE IT! :)

I was at this guys house that I liked.

A. LOT.

We can call him Connor. Connor was hot...hot body and hot hair. The guys locks were prettier than mine...and the thing that made him MOST sexy...is he didn't even care, he was rugged. I remember him like this:


And since I don't have a REAL picture of him...I've borrowed this Abercrombie and Fitch model to show you what he kind of looked like. :) Your. Welcome.

Connor lived in an older house. Him and his family lived their since he was born and he knew no other home.

I was over visiting him. I had to travel to his parents house so they invited me to stay there. I want to say that Connor liked me back, which is why he convinced his parents to let me sleep over...and I was just ENOUGH wicked to want to do it! lol!

It's was probably around 10:00pm. And we had just decided on a movie we wanted to watch. All I remember is it was a comedy...not much for a romantic atmosphere...but it wasn't like we could do much because I wasn't the ONLY one sleeping over...my friend was with me--SHEESH guys---what kind of girl do you take me for?

Well, we had Mexican food for dinner...Cafe Rio, (one of my FAVORITES)--and my stomach was starting to tell me that it needed to dispose of the stuff, and soon.

Being the lady I am...I had been holding in my flatulence for some time...and my belly was starting to protest. EVERYTHING in there seem to be cramping. So just putting in the movie and before getting settled down...I decided to go to the bathroom.

I should have stuck with my chances of bursting my appendix or stomach or something...because what happened next will be embedded in my mind for all time. I still get a little sicked out when I think about it.

Remember I'm in a old house.

I find the bathroom, let myself in, close the door, LOCK the door, and proceed with business.

Which went along nicely...no need to fret with that. But I will say, I emptied out a lot, one of those really good ones where you feel 10 lbs lighter.

Then I flushed.

IT started swirling around VERY slowly...

And then NOTHING!

I softly, under my breath, said, OH CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

Then I'm stuck with the decision...Do I flush again? Or do I wait a minute and see if all of sudden the toilet decided to do its job and flush itself?

Then I thought PLUNGER!

Okay, no problem I thought to myself, I'll just find a plunger and for PEACE OF MIND, plunge the toilet then flush again.

I frantically start ripping open cabinets.

NO PLUNGER!

CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

So...I did it guys...I attempted to flush again.

I KNOW!!! WHY would I DO THAT???

I was Desperate...OKAY! I was desperate...and not thinking straight...out of my mind CRAZY!

Then the WORST of possible WORSTS happened. The stuff didn't go down, but slowly made it's way to the top of the toilet bowl! Like, slow motion slow, like it was taking its time for my inevitable doom! Laughing at me...mocking me...

It finally creeps to the top of the toilet bowl and creeps its way over the side!!!

And then it was like time caught up to me and it started FLOODING the bathroom...and I JUMPED on the counter!

All I could think was..."Only yuck, gross, disgusting people clog toilets! When I yell for help, and unlock the door, I might as well have warts and a GREMLIN face because that is what I will look like to them...they will be completely disgusted with me..." As I sat there in complete shock...somewhere in the back of my brain I knew I needed to call for help!

Pause...this post is getting long.

I'll finish my story tomorrow.

Love,

Shelle

P.S. Would you have made a second flush?

Come ON...what would YOU SAY?

I'm stark raving HUNGRY right now.

Physically and well mentally...

You guys are smart...you guys KNOW the answers to the unresolved questions.

And since I only have like 5 minutes and .32 seconds to write this post...it's as good of a time as any to just ASK you a question. I got this hilarious email entitled, "And then the fight started..." and I think it would be fun to keep the joke rolling...or see what we can come up with in response to these.

Here is one...

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'

...and then the fight started...

I want to know what you guys would say as a retort!

Come ON...if a girl doesn't have her mind and wit about her...what is she REALLY good for! :)

Like I would have done this...

Smiled...Turned around...counted seductively as I walked toward him, 1...2...3..., licked my lips, and then KNEE HIM IN THE NUTS!!!

Now what would you have done?

Public Bathroom Etiquette Lesson 2

I've come upon something that needs to be addressed.

I have filled you in before about certain etiquette's. In the bathroom where I talked about the "courtesy flush" and on an airplane where I talked about the "length of a seatbelt".

But this weeks seems to somehow have a theme that has to do with things pertaining to going to the restroom...or at least TRYING to go to the restroom but NOT QUITE MAKING IT! *shudder*

On top of all of that...my sister and brother-in-law, Suns Fans #1 and #2, tried to be nice yesterday and made CHILI in a bread bowl. Talk about doing something CRAZY to your bowels...Seriously, there is nothing like reminding your stomach that it doesn't like CHILI by eating a BREAD bowl of it!

Next time I venture to eat Chili...will someone remind me that it is a BAD idea?

Yea, Thanks much!

Anyway.

Really fast we need to go over another PUBLIC RESTROOM Etiquette lesson.

I'm going to admit that I didn't feel the need to strain this particular lesson BEFORE the other day...but I've had enough...it's happen 1 to many times...and when I say one to many times I mean once!

I was appalled and embarrassed enough that I felt I needed to tell the masses!

Okay.

Here is the rule...

No talking on your cell phone in the bathroom!


Seriously.

Not kidding!

Here's me the other day in the bathroom...I mean you KNOW I think going to the bathroom is a WASTE of time...I abhor it!

But I couldn't hold it any longer and HAD to go...I was NOT going to be another Target Lady! Ya know what I mean?

So I rushed to the bathroom and proceeded to get over my Public Bathroom Stage Fright and try to relieve myself.

***In walks co-worker***

She goes in the stall, not next time mine (must have read my Courtesy Flush post), and you hear her doing what she needs to do in order to sit on the toilet.

Then SILENCE...

Then:

Co-Worker: "Hello?"

Me: Why in the heck is she talking to me? I don't recognize her shoes? I don't think I know her? Maybe she needs toilet paper? "Hello"? ...I respond.

Co-Worker: "Hey! How are you?"

Me: What the What? Feeling somewhat awkward now I say, "I'm fine" chuckle, "how are you?"

Co-Worker: "Are you kidding me? He did that last NIGHT?!!!"

Me: UH-OH--she isn't talking to me...she is talking on her CELL PHONE!

Now I'm HUMILIATED. How was I to get OUT of there without her noticing who I WAS??? I was going to have to run home and change my shoes...because if I got out of there without her seeing me through the bathroom crack in the stall...she was definitely going to notice MY shoes!

And you KNOW she heard me answering her questions while she was talking to the OTHER person on the phone! You KNOW she did!

I SOOOOO hate public restrooms!

Can't you for 1-5 minutes NOT talk on your cell phone? Is that lady SO important that she HAS to have her phone while doing her business in the bathroom?

I mean COME ON guys!

I am making it a RULE...an etiquette of the bathroom if you will!

Please spread the word...because after I got over my embarrassment of the episode, I had to share it with my co-workers who sat around me, and we LAUGHED until I couldn't breathe...

So it was good for something....BUT...

For the sake of others. Keep your cell phones put away while on the toilet.

I mean, my MIL totally flushed hers down the toilet, so it can be dangerous to cell phones also!

Your.Welcome and Thank.You!!!

Love,

Shelle