Monday, January 5, 2009

Fecal Matter...Don't You Hate It When!

Okay the following is a true story.

However.

I warn you that you might not want to be eating when you read this.

Or STOP here if your stomach gets queasy easily.

Are you still reading?

Then don't blame me for any sort of vomiting or dry heaving you experience.

Because just writing this makes me go though recent memories that I have pushed, shoved, and tried to erase from my psyche...but feel the only way to fully do this is to leave it behind me, or on this blog, where forever it will be written down and taken from my mind.

As Nutty Hamster Chick recently told me which was somewhat prophetic, "A blog is forever"...and it is forever, until you delete it, or until the end of the world comes. But I feel a part of what I have written down is recorded elsewhere to be in records that MAY be forever...ya know? So I feel she knows more and feels deeper than most Nutty Hamster Chicks and I am good with blog aura's, and hers is the purest from...so I trust her deep thoughts.

So as part of my therapy process I am taking this buried experience and bringing out for all to read so the story will continue...and maybe help someone else...because I'm giving that way.

This story is TRUE, and most definitely, a DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN story, in its truest form...

Don't You Hate It When... One sec...I just vomited in my mouth...

Okay, I'm good...

You are walking into Target and your husband grabs your arm...to the point of bruising...to hold you back because if you took ONE MORE step you would have stepped into a LOG of POO!



NO LIE!

My husband saw a lady darting towards the Men's Bathroom, when to HIS horror, a LOG of POO rolled out of the pant leg of the women rushing in front of us to the bathroom.

grant it...she had somewhat of a limp...

But...

She didn't miss a step or acknowledge that she had just dropped fecal matter in the path of my soon to be step! What the what?!!!

I stood there frozen, queasy, yet frozen.

Looking down and with utter disgust I said, "Eeeeewwww she just poo-ed on the floor!"

(I know, I feel ya MOM!)

I know...I like to point out the obvious, its what my husband says is one of my most endearing qualities.

At that same moment she walked OUT of the Men's Bathroom...I stared at her, she looked at me, then walked straight down into the Women's Bathroom.

At that point I felt bad for her. I did. But I couldn't wrap my brain around it.

I don't understand...when it's a LOG of poo...isn't that an easier think to hold in? I mean, I get diarrhea, or water poop, as Peeps calls it, but a LOG of poo? To roll down your leg, out your bum, and down your leg? Your sphincter would have to open up for that to happen right? Sorry to get all vulgar, but it's true. It just seems to me that she would have been able to hold it until she reached the bathroom? Even if it was the Men's. Poor Thing.

But I don't know? She did have a limp...and I know, no one in their right mind would do that on purpose...duh!

Then I was hit with a dilemma.

Do I tell the employees? Because if I tell them are they going to think it was me that had fecal matter roll out my pant leg? Would they think I said someone else did it, but it was really me? Like when someone let's a silent one go...then waits until the first person smells it and lets them say, 'Eeeewww who farted?" and then they say, "The first one who smelt it dealt it?"

Should I risk it?

As I turn around and see a beautiful blonde girl on her cell phone, in her own world, talking as if the whole world and myself, along with my husband, wasn't watching her hoping with all hope that she doesn't step on the log before I can warn her off...

I knew...I knew, *sigh* that the day before Christmas Eve, Eve, was just as good as a time as any to swallow my pride and let the Target employees know.

If I had been in my right mind and not feeling the after effects of dry heaving I would have realized I could have just had my husband do it...

Oh well.

Now the employees at Target give me weird looks and whisper behind their hands as I shop there...but I feel as if I did the right thing...ya know?

Please tell me you Hate when that Happens? What would YOU have done?

Love,

Shelle

Happy Monday, right?

No worries...I have a post in drafts that I shall post tomorrow about Public Bathroom Etiquette!

43 comments:

Darcie said...

No freakin' way. That single experience tops all of the 'don't you hate it whens' I've seen here to date. Hands down.

And kudos for filling in the khaki commandos. I can't say I'd have done the same. Oh, and how unfair is it that one of them had to go clean up the log. I think I'd have had to draw the line and quit right on the spot.

Kristina P. said...

That is horrible!!! How completely mortifying for everyone involved, And by everyone, I mean her.

Kritta22 said...

seriously gross!

Why does weird stuff happen to you so often?

Mother Goose said...

eww, I would have kept on walking and left it there

PJ - Our life said...

Sick!! But you did the right thing, I would have told someone to get it!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Darcie--I did feel bad about the target employee who had to clean it up...but then I thought, 'he probably thought I did it!' so then I glared at him!

Kristina--Horrifying for HER???Yea right...so feel bad for me!

Kritta-I think I attract weird...really I do! So sad!

Mother Goose--I should have...I really should have!

McEwens said...

SICK!!! I feel for her to have that happen, how awful

Annette Lyon said...

Bizarre. And gross. Glad I'd already swallowed my chocolate.

brooken'dus said...

G-ROSS

Jessica said...

Dude, that is freakin' HIL-AIR-EE-US!!!

Jessica
www.MomShots.com

thedailyclick said...

Eewwww!! *gag*
Thanks for the diet starter!

T said...

I'm going to have a hard time walking into that store now... thanks for giving me another reason to throw away all the food in the house :)

Anjeny said...

Lol...ok Shelle, I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing at the sphincter part. It was gross and I have to wonder what the lady was thinking about when she let that "one" rolled out of her pants like that. Was she testing her "sphincter" to see if it still works, you know?
But I gotta give it to you, you are probably the best person to witness something like that, you were decent enough not to confront the lady. I would have just marched up to her and told her, not ask, but told her to clean up her mess.
But that's why you are the better person here. And yeah, I do hate it when that happens.
Funny post, by the way.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

♥georgie♥ said...

OMGosh that is the worst and the best of 'dont ya hate it when'!!!!
I am speechless

Susan said...

Ok, that was a funny story. And I would be absolutely DEVESTATED to have a log of poo ruin my reputation at Target, which I frequent way too often! GROSS!

Becky said...

Is this for real!?!?! I don't know whether to laugh or heave or cry for that poor lady.

I just... wow. I have no words.

Melanie J said...

I heard a radio interview with essayist David Sedaris who said that he constantly has people tell him stories about how they're working in their store and then they encounter poo. He said it's an amazing number of stories, he doesn't know why they all tell him, and the most common place for all of this to happen? Target. Weird.

Annie said...

The wierdest things happen at Target! ICK!

Nan said...

Sounds like she missed HER "Target" Oh... sorry, I know, poor taste in jokes! But what can you expect typing and heaving at the same time!

Sher said...

No!! i don't believe you! You totally made this up, right?
Right?!!! i can't believe someone would actually poo on the floor at the store!
And seriouly, Not to get to personal, but I've been at the store, and needed to go, and I held it. So have my CHILDREN. At least long enough to find the bathroom. So, what was this lady's problem? And even if she couldn't hold it, I don't see how it didn't stay in her pants.
Yuck.
Thanks for sharing (I think)

Sher said...

BTW, I'll be in your neck of the woods next weeked (16-18th). do you want to try to get together for lunch or dinner or something?

J'Ollie Primitives said...

s**t happens.

Reminds me of the family member that asked one of our physical therapists if there were some um sphincter toning excersises for her demented (and poopy) mom so they could go out in public again...sphincter atrophy. Terrible thing.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh mylanta, or maybe she needed some. I do hate it when that happens. And thanks for thinking I am wise. Although I am not sure this is exactly the kind of thing you want recorded forever. But if it helped to write it down, then good for you.

April said...

hahahahaha!!!! I am laughing at the blog AND at Nutty Hamster Chick! ahahahaha!!

My dad also witnessed something similar. A guy shook his leg and out dropped a poopy. Seriously....how did it free itself from the underwear????

No food for me for 2 days!! I'm good!

Sandi said...

1st comment for me here....too dang funny I could not lurk any longer. I love how saying "poo" makes it sound so much better than any of those other nasty words you could have used. I love this story SOOOO much!

Funny Farmer said...

Wow. You really are approachable, arentcha? :snicker:

Alyson (New England Living) said...

That is complete and utter bizarreness!!! Thanks for giving us all that mental picture (especially the sphinter part)! ewwwww

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha haha ha ha ha ha aha ha ha aha ha ha

This is super funny to read at 1:34 a.m. It's a lot of work to not laugh yourself silly and wake your sleeping husband when you keep reading the word LOG of POO.

hee hee hee.


So did you let the beautiful blond step in it? I'm just curious because I totally would have. hee hee.

Oh, and that photo of you and your hubby. H ah aha hahahahahahahahah

And your mom in the act of vomiting. he heheheheheheeheheh

Oh, and you vomiting in your own mouth right before your told the story.

ROTFLOL.

Ahhh, Do you want to know why I'm up at 1:34? Well, funny you should ask. I hope you don't vomit. It's uber gross.

Don't you hate it when you finally consent to breaking your fortune cookie diet and letting your hubby have just one, and then your 3 boys suddenly barge in in media res, and there's a blur of sheets and blankets and 3 bobbing heads and pointing fingers and deep belly laughing giggles for like 5 minutes while you try to become invisible. And then you can't go back to sleep because you're so mortified, but then you also can't stop giggling yourself so you think "Helk, I might as well blog my brains out." It's the one other thing I'm good at (in bed).

Yea, hate it when that happens.

Can I have another quilt? hee hee

Funny Farmer said...

:points and laughs at Crash:

Uh... that's what LOCKS are for, Dummy!

Sorry shelle, but having the consumption of fortune cookies interrupted trumps logs of poo, for this chick at least.

:D

Zuleika said...

Oh gross!!! *shudder*
My sis thinks that TONS of anal sex may have been the reason for loss of control. *shrugs shoulders* Just an opinion! ;-)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Shelle, (And Funny Farmer) it's worse than I thought. Apparently my ILs were there too, right behind my boys. They were all coming upstairs from watching a movie. Now everyone's all smiles.

I hate it when that happens.

Momma Trish said...

I'm grasping at straws here ... because I'd hate to think someone would have done that on purpose. But maybe she has a colostomy bag, and it was spillage? It's all I've got. Anyway, I hope it was a medical problem that caused it, and not just general weirdness. And then maybe she was embarassed and didn't want to tell the employes? (Though I can't imagine thinking that would somehow be the right thing to do ... she could at least grab some TP and pick it up herself, you know.)

Anyway ... gross! I'm glad you didn't step in it.

Tiff said...

OMG that poor lady!!!!!!!! I feel so bad for laughing until I could hardly breathe but since I'll never see her, and you'll never see her again, well...
And by the way, the word sphincter completely grosses me out. Just thought you might want to know.
So what was your husband doing that whole time?! lol

Aubrey said...

I'm gagging because I'm laughing SO hard. Oh, no way. And that's all I'll say.

RY & MAND WRIGHT said...

oh m gosh that is so gross I can not even believe that how mortified would you be if that was you if I was the lady that pooped I probably would have left it there to and never go back either at least for a while I would have crawled into the stall and died. Now if I was you I probably would have handled it the same I would have told them that is just so gross... Your posts always make me laugh so hard you are such a great writer I can't wait until your first book comes out!!!! ha ha ha

April said...

I see that the Benjamin Button movie worked for ya Crash! hahahahahaha!!!!

Eliza said...

EWWWW! LOL and called my sister and told her to read it right away.

Was this woman not wearing underwear?

You might have to shop at Walmart for a little while.

shannon said...

My sister, kate told me about your blog...You are hilarious! I used your "don't you hate it when" theme for my blog topic today (Wednesday)--I cannot imagine almost stumbling over someones poo log! and I have had many a crazy poop story! (a homeless man pooped in my hibachi grill one time while I was living in NYC; a used to be a flight attendant (need I say more?) I was with my friend when she pooped in a quilt and threw it out the window on a road trip because we couldn't risk losing the people who we were following)--
There's something about seeing the whole turd in Target --with all those big flourescent lights--I can't imagine!

Natalie Sue said...

Okay, that's hilarious, gross, and so crazy, I can't believe it's true!

April said...

LMAO that's like the funniest thing I've ever heard....HA!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

First time visitor, and laughing. My husband and I lived in China one summer and once I got on the subway and (miracle!) there was a seat available, so I pushed through the crowd and sat down. It didn't take long before the aroma told me something was not right. And there on the floor right in front of my seat, -yep, you guessed it- a log! I'm sure that if I understood Chinese, all the chatter said something like "stupid American girl sat in the poop chair." And I lived.

Elena said...

My first time on your blog, and this is the funniest story I have ever heard! (Funny and nasty all at the same time.) Oh my word, I laughed so hard. What in the world???

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