What you say can actually hurt.

So I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. My day started out as a really bad body day, which surprised me because I have honestly been doing so good about what I have been telling myself. Either way, it started out as a bad body day, as well as, a bad hair day! Combine the two and it apparently sends me into a downward spiral, that even with the tools I have been strengthening, it couldn't pull me out of it. Now, I don't write about these things to make anyone feel sorry for me, this blog is to journal my journey the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the growth in between and that means being completely genuine with how things are going.

I went into work in kinda a bum mood. As my day began I threw myself into my projects and tried to focus on other things, however, I had a visitor that I hadn't seen for probably 6 months. I immediately thought to myself, "Oh they must think I've totally let myself go"... amongst other things. See, I realized, I'm doing really good, except, when I see someone that hasn't seen me for a while or saw me when I fit into smaller clothes, which just make me realize that I have a lot of work to still do. I fear their judgment still. I'm thinking this is probably normal for those of us that attach our self-worth with our body size, however, I don't know that for sure, so it kinda gut punched me that I fell back into the hole so easily.

I do what I always do when I'm feeling perplexed and down, I go to "my people" and I vent. I spew everything out in my mind into their laps and they sit and listen. Then an epiphany comes in one of these conversations and I realize I am so afraid of judgement from those I know because I have seen them place judgement (maybe not intentionally) on others while I have been around. If they are saying those things about others in my presence then, in my mind, they are saying those things out of my earshot. I believe whole-heartedly the people I am closest to have the most beautiful hearts, minds, and spirits. I have done a lot of filtering of the negative, including people, in my life and so I want to make sure you understand I'm not saying this to judge them in anyway, believe me, that would be hypocritical of me. It was just a realization that it wasn't just in my mind that people would judge me for my size but an understanding that they WOULD in actuality judge me whether I gained weight or lost weight. I know they will say something about my shape or size because I have seen and heard them do it to others while I have been around.  They did it not realizing that what they were saying was pricking my insecurities about myself. I am also at fault of doing this very thing while in the presence of others with no idea of how that affected them internally.

And there in lies the problem... doesn't it? We have all made a negative comment at some point within others earshot of someone else's body. If we changed our view on bodies (at any size), then the comments, negativity, and focus surrounding bodies that don't fit into medias version of perfect wouldn't be criticized so much. This would help us worry less about our outward appearance and we would have more time to focus on our minds and internal workings of our bodies mechanics and what is right for it to function at a healthy pace to enjoy life to it's fullest.

That is individual.

What works for my body isn't going to work for every body because we are all built to have an individual and unique stamp. We aren't supposed to fit one mold or one size or one shape. We have to find out what works best for us and no one can design an eating plan or exercise plan that is best for me... except me, as long as I stay in tune to what my body is telling me. The way I do that is focus on how my body responds to different exercises and different foods...I have to be intuitive. This takes time and patience. Loving our body no matter it's shape and size will help us stay the course. Yes, people will place judgement about us and about others around us but we have to let that go or it will continue to halt our progress.

So my goal is to remember my value outside of my shape and size because those who truly love me and value me, and whom I want in my life, will see and love me whether I'm wearing the slimmer than I am now Shelle or the curvier Shelle. Those that can't? Well... their loss.

Bout time to link up!

Things that have helped me in my journey.

Podcasts:

Okay, here is the thing...I listen to the podcasts because it helps me stay the course and I'm learning some pretty awesome things, however, just a warning...some of the episodes get political and I don't agree with their views on politics and they all have the explicit warning, but when they keep it real with #haes and #intuitiveeating and #bodypositivity these podcasts are worth the skipping over the messages that don't resonate with me.

1. First podcast I ever listened to! This woman is such a force of good for finding that love for your body, or all bodies in general. Her podcast is called, "Fearless Rebelle Radio" with Summer Innanen. Lot's of her episodes are good and worth looking into.

2. Food Psych with Christy Harrison is so so so good because of the different and interesting perspectives of the people she brings in to interview, some are scientific, religious, and people that have gone from a bad relationship with food to a positive one. She does have strong political views but the content aside from those are so great.

3. Oprah Super Soul Conversations Podcast this one isn't necessarily dedicated to body positivity, but the first two episodes with Brene Brown are amazing and those are the ones I wanted to mention. Your mind and healing it to help move in the right direction is vital and I feel messages like those that Brene puts forth in her books and in this podcast help with my journey overall.

I'm sure I will dig into more, but for right now, this is enough for me and I'm content just bouncing between the top two.  When I've finished listening and am current with their episodes I'll find more.

Books:

Again, I've only just begun my journey but the two books I am reading are, "Health at Every Size" by Linda Bacon and "Intuitive Eating" by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. The science, research, and messages in each of these books I find fascinating and it keeps me determined. I'm also learning so much about how my body works and how incredibly smart it is.

Meditation:

I just use two apps. The first one was Headspace and the second one and the one I currently use is Insight Timer. It really starts your day off right and helps you control those wandering thoughts that may be detrimental to your mental health. It's like lifting weights for your mind.

Journal:

Blogging, insta stories, instagram, facebook, and journaling are helping me in there own way. Sharing and talking about it makes me stay focused and continues to remind me that I'm not alone.

Hope these links help for any of you looking for some great material to start out your very own body esteem journey!

Everybody needs a Klay

I got that phrase, "Everybody needs a Klay" from a friend of mine that I follow on social media and we danced together in high school. She always posts the cutest things about her husband and she hashtags on there #everyoneneedsajare" it's adorable and I stole it because it relates so much to how I have been feeling about my husband and my journey.

Everyone needs someone like my husband on a journey to loving their body. Here are just a few of the reasons why:

1.  Klay in all 17 almost 18 years of marriage has never ONCE said a derogatory thing about my body, not once, with all of the changes and diets I have put my body through...this is a big feat. 

2. Klay is always loving my body by touch and telling me how much he loves the way I feel. Even while I have hated my body he is patient and kind and always tries to counter what I'm telling myself by showing me through his actions how much he loves the stretch marks and extra fluff because it is a part of me, and he loves me.

3. Klay is supportive of any journey I have taken my body on, whether he has agreed with it or not, he has always tried to support it. Even with this journey, when I break down and cry, he consoles me and tries to remind me of why I started the journey in the first place

4. Klay has never given me doubt that my body means anything more to him than attraction and worship. Even with the ups and downs of marriage, even through the arguments, he has always made me feel beautiful and attractive. He has never used my weakness of attached worth to my body shape and size as a weapon to hurt me in the heat of the moment, even knowing how deep of a wound he could make.

5. Klay is proud to be with me no matter what I look like. I have tested those waters many times and he always tells me he prefers me in my most natural state (which in all honesty can be pretty scary), seriously, how can you not "awwww" at that.

If you don't have this kind of support system from the one that is supposed to love you the most and the deepest, then you need to re-think who you surround yourself with. As much as loving one's body comes from within first, it is necessary to have someone blocking the holes of doubt temporarily until you have the strength and the tools to cover it yourself.

I know, without a doubt, I'd be a lot worse off if I hadn't had Klay around all of those years to offset the negative thoughts in my head. I don't know what I do without him by my side as I slowly start to see myself in the way he always has. I realize more and more that I am extremely lucky to have him around. Plus, he's really fun to look at!

Everyone needs a Klay.

#everyoneneedsaklay

A letter to my family and friends

Dear family and friends,

A few months ago, well around April, I decided I was tired. Am I too young to be tired? Maybe... or maybe I'm too old to finally be realizing it, but I am. I am tired. I am so tired of trying to change me, be thinner, skinnier, more toned, weigh less... etcetera. I was tired of worrying about what others thought of me. Tired of hating my body. Loving everything about me, but not my body, it has never been good enough, thick or thin, I have always seen it as something that needed to be changed. And as I have said before in this blog somewhere... I have tried every diet out there... everything... besides surgery! All in the name of being thin. All in the name of changing my body to please others because then I would be loved more or of worth or be able to get that promotion I want. Everything will be better just if I was skinnier. So I would restrict, diet, go on the next new eating plan, try different exercise plans and shortly after I would mess up... I would eat something I shouldn't, I would miss a few days of exercise... and I would give up and I would be ashamed and hate myself for it. Then guilt kicks in, because this body grew two beautiful beings inside of it, working a miracle twice over, and I'm ashamed that I'm so ashamed and hateful of my body! It's an aggressive continuous circle and I have become tired of running it.

So I decided I was going to start working on the inside. Not to lose weight but to love me no matter my size, because then, and only then, will I be able to breathe. So I stopped dieting, that was step one. But then what? Besides weight gain... then what? I had no idea, I was in this foreign territory and I didn't know what to do with myself. My whole life, well the parts that I remember, has been filled with my plans of losing weight... that's all I remember. Sad right!? Maybe...but it's true. So I did what every person does when they don't know something nowadays... I googled, "How do I love my body?". There is a whole movement out there of body love and esteem. So I stopped running and took my first step to loving me on the inside. I started listening to podcasts! These podcasts pointed me to meditation to guide and control my negative thoughts and directed me to look for activity and movement that my body enjoyed instead of trying to punish the sweat out of every time I couldn't stick to my eating plan or felt my body wasn't changing how it "should" fast enough. Listening to these podcasts also helped me realize I wasn't alone, that many many women (and men) feel the same way that I do and have gone through the same things I am going through and two books kept coming up as ones that helped them on their journey to their inner happiness ... so I bought them and am reading them. (The podcasts and books I will share in a later blog post).

So I'm writing this letter to help you understand...and know how to support me... in finding me whomever that is...in whatever body that is.

• So please, I'd appreciate, if you don't tell me about a new eating plan you've done or are doing just because you feel it would "help" me.  
• Please don't ask me why I'm not still on the last eating plan I tried where I lost weight.
• Please don't ask me the next time I'm going to work out because I looked so good then
• Please don't bring up "back when" stories where I looked so cute (when I was thinner).

Instead, let's chat about "back when" I did something good for someone or where we laughed really hard at something or where we enjoyed something to eat without worrying what was in it before we ate it, where we experienced the food. 

I may gain weight during this journey, I may stay the same, and I may even lose weight, but please try not to focus on the outside appearance, try to focus on the inside, because that is what I will be doing.  Some days are going to be rough for me because I have to retrain 25 plus years of hate, negativity, and attached worth around my body. I will have really good and positive days and I'm also going to have days where I won't be able to control the negative thoughts inside my head and I may cry, and feel bad about myself, and doubt everything I'm doing. That is when I will need your love, support, and encouragement to stay the course.

I know with every fiber of my being that if I stay the course of this journey, I WILL have more positive than negative days, eventually, and will have retrained my thoughts to assist me. How am I so sure of this? Because I've tried everything else. Through this, my hope is to love my body and the miracle of it, regardless of its size, and be less judgemental of others bodies.

Here is my plan... I plan on figuring out when my body is hungry and when it is satisfied, what foods feel good after eating them and what foods my body naturally doesn't like by how I feel after I eat them which will help me know the consequence of the foods I eat. So I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but will be more attuned with how those foods will make me feel after.  I plan on finding what my body loves to do to keep it active and functioning with different movement and exercise that I enjoy and want to continue to do. This will be done with never restricting myself again with foods, movement, or by giving myself rules.

I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. My whole worth and what I've felt equates to beauty has been wrapped up in my body size. I never knew how to judge those things any other way. I've always felt I was "letting myself go" if I wasn't dieting or exercising in a restrictive and punishing manner.

However, with the few months I have dedicated so far to this journey I am realizing...I'm not letting myself go, I'm loving myself more.

Love,

Shelle