So I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. My day started out as a really bad body day, which surprised me because I have honestly been doing so good about what I have been telling myself. Either way, it started out as a bad body day, as well as, a bad hair day! Combine the two and it apparently sends me into a downward spiral, that even with the tools I have been strengthening, it couldn't pull me out of it. Now, I don't write about these things to make anyone feel sorry for me, this blog is to journal my journey the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the growth in between and that means being completely genuine with how things are going.
I went into work in kinda a bum mood. As my day began I threw myself into my projects and tried to focus on other things, however, I had a visitor that I hadn't seen for probably 6 months. I immediately thought to myself, "Oh they must think I've totally let myself go"... amongst other things. See, I realized, I'm doing really good, except, when I see someone that hasn't seen me for a while or saw me when I fit into smaller clothes, which just make me realize that I have a lot of work to still do. I fear their judgment still. I'm thinking this is probably normal for those of us that attach our self-worth with our body size, however, I don't know that for sure, so it kinda gut punched me that I fell back into the hole so easily.
I do what I always do when I'm feeling perplexed and down, I go to "my people" and I vent. I spew everything out in my mind into their laps and they sit and listen. Then an epiphany comes in one of these conversations and I realize I am so afraid of judgement from those I know because I have seen them place judgement (maybe not intentionally) on others while I have been around. If they are saying those things about others in my presence then, in my mind, they are saying those things out of my earshot. I believe whole-heartedly the people I am closest to have the most beautiful hearts, minds, and spirits. I have done a lot of filtering of the negative, including people, in my life and so I want to make sure you understand I'm not saying this to judge them in anyway, believe me, that would be hypocritical of me. It was just a realization that it wasn't just in my mind that people would judge me for my size but an understanding that they WOULD in actuality judge me whether I gained weight or lost weight. I know they will say something about my shape or size because I have seen and heard them do it to others while I have been around. They did it not realizing that what they were saying was pricking my insecurities about myself. I am also at fault of doing this very thing while in the presence of others with no idea of how that affected them internally.
And there in lies the problem... doesn't it? We have all made a negative comment at some point within others earshot of someone else's body. If we changed our view on bodies (at any size), then the comments, negativity, and focus surrounding bodies that don't fit into medias version of perfect wouldn't be criticized so much. This would help us worry less about our outward appearance and we would have more time to focus on our minds and internal workings of our bodies mechanics and what is right for it to function at a healthy pace to enjoy life to it's fullest.
That is individual.
What works for my body isn't going to work for every body because we are all built to have an individual and unique stamp. We aren't supposed to fit one mold or one size or one shape. We have to find out what works best for us and no one can design an eating plan or exercise plan that is best for me... except me, as long as I stay in tune to what my body is telling me. The way I do that is focus on how my body responds to different exercises and different foods...I have to be intuitive. This takes time and patience. Loving our body no matter it's shape and size will help us stay the course. Yes, people will place judgement about us and about others around us but we have to let that go or it will continue to halt our progress.
So my goal is to remember my value outside of my shape and size because those who truly love me and value me, and whom I want in my life, will see and love me whether I'm wearing the slimmer than I am now Shelle or the curvier Shelle. Those that can't? Well... their loss.
