Resolutions...
When you have been dieting as long as I have, the end of a year and the beginning of a new year means a resolution of losing weight aka "getting healthy".
With it also comes a sense of guilt and shame for not achieving what you set out to achieve in the beginning of that year.
Is there a new hope of change? Yes. But at the end of every year, for me, was a sense of guilt and shame for not being skinny yet. That is the change I wanted.
Every.Year.
I wasn't successful at changing my body. I didn't have a six-pack, I still weighed relatively the same or maybe a bit less or more depending on how well I did in the holidays or the previous months, but I wasn't very different from what my expectation was for myself at the beginning of the year.
This always gave me a sense of sadness for myself. I felt sorry for me. There, looking in the mirror, was the same mom gut, stretch marks, fat in all the places I despised, and cellulite. My body was always changing, but never in a way that made me happy, or I told myself would make me happy.
But every year I made a promise to myself to try again. Maybe... just maybe... this year would be different. I couldn't give up on myself. I don't see that as a bad thing, even with my new way of thinking, I don't see not wanting to give up as a bad thing. I believe that we never stop progressing, learning, or growing mentally, spiritually, or physically. The one thing a new years resolution about changing gave me ... hope.
It was just focused in the wrong direction. My hope was centered on changing something about me that was next to impossible. It was only possible if I took very extreme and unnatural measures.
I still believe in resolutions. I still believe in taking care of me. In being healthy in mind, body, and spirit. In changing my mind and understanding of what and who I am in a direction that benefits me in this life and in the life to come.
So my new year's resolution and my renewed hope is ACCEPTANCE.
Acceptance of my body
Acceptance of others bodies
Acceptance of the continued hard work it will take to obtain a better understanding of how my body works with food and activity.
Acceptance of patience with myself and others in every aspect of my life.
Acceptance of the way people choose to love me
Acceptance of letting go of the things I can't control
Acceptance of allowing others to let go of me
Acceptance of remembering that I will fail and I will make mistakes, I'm never going to be the perfect Mormon, but I can be the perfect me to return to Him.
Acceptance that I am not for everybody
Acceptance that everybody isn't for me
Acceptance that there will always be someone prettier, taller, smarter, younger, and funnier
I am beautiful, I am smart, I am funny, I am kind, and I am enough.
At the end of this year, I want to say that I am further down the path of my life being better at ACCEPTANCE.
What's your New Year's Resolution?
