Thursday, January 29, 2009

Part 2-The moral of the story is...always pay up on your debts!!!

I'm going to continue the story...even though I should have stopped where I stopped.

Oh and sorry I didn't give you a HUGE warning about how disgusting it was...but have ANY of my bathroom stories been all that clean or sweet or even somewhat digestable?

Sorry.

If you need to catch up, part 1 is below this post.

So I KNEW in the back of my mind that I needed to yell for help.

But I didn't. I just sat there, on the top of the counter, with my knees up to my chest and my chin on my knees and looked on in shock.

The water evenutally stopped coming down, and there was a nice puddle of greenish-brownish...(Well, use your imagination).. around the toilet, but that is about it...

While I was sitting there, contemplating suicide or at least a quiet escape, there came a soft knock...

knock, knock, FREAKIN' knock.

I stiffened, froze, HORROR struck...I thought, "If I don't move, don't say a word, maybe they will go away, maybe...just maybe...a HOLE will open up in this sink and swallow me...OH PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bless that a hole will swallow me...PLEASE, I won't ask for another thing in my LIFE...Just PLEASE get me out of this!!!"

But...this was to be a lesson to me...what lesson? I still have no idea!

"Uh, Shelle, is everything all right? I think I heard the toilet clog...do you need some help? You flushed it a second time so it probably flooded huh? It's my fault, I should have warned you that if it didn't flush to just to leave it for about 15 minutes and then it will flush down...I'm sorry..."

CONNOR!

"Connor?"

"Yea, do you want to unlock this so I can see the damage?"

I started crying, and not pretty crying where it slowly rolls down my cheeks and my wide blue eyes glisten in the light...

No, nothing like that...

But SOBBING...UNCONTROLLABLE...UGLY crying.

"Shelle?" he laughs, "don't cry...it's really not a big deal. It happens all the time. Just unlock the door and I'll give you a hand with it."

He LAUGHED at me...if I had dared to let myself out of that bathroom I would have thrown my skinny body-chicken legged self at him and clawed his eyes out..."Are you out of your MIND!!!" I yelled, or something similar to that statement, "there is no WAY I am letting you in here to see this mess...it STINKS, and I'm totally EMBARRASSED already...so FORGET it! Just tell me where the cleaning stuff is and I'll take care of it!....please"

Then nothing...it's like Connor abandoned me.

"Connor?"

Still nothing. CRAP! Was he going to get a spare key to open the door? Was he going to get his Mom? CRAP! Where was he? What was he doing?

I was hiccuping at this point...my eyes were red and swollen, and my fair Irish freckled skin was blotchy...the only thing I had going for me was that I had worn water-proof mascara!

I think I sat there for a good 10 minutes while my FECAL matter sat puddled around the toilet, (linoleum floors...so that was good) and the water was slowly receding inside the toilet bowl.

And then, like after any GOOD cry, my brain started to function again. And I thought it was time to look for cleaning supplies...but before I could HOP down off the counter, Connor came back and started playing with the lock and in 3.2 seconds the guy had the door opened and was smiling at me!

I jumped down from the counter...feet splashing in the puddle, because it would have been to SMART of me to jump even 2 inches forward so that I didn't hit the fecal matter puddle..."AAAAACCCCKKKK! CONNOR! Get out!"

And then he just laughed! Like a gut wrenching laugh! And turned around to grab some supplies he had brought with him to clean up. "Please Connor...let me clean this up...please leave...your KILLING me here!"

And as if I hadn't said anything at all...he just began to clean it up. I, of course, helped him, humiliated and grossed out.

It didn't take long...and the toilet flushed...THE TRAITOR...as soon as Connor began cleaning, so all became well again.

Until Connor got up from cleaning the last of the puddle. He just smiled at me and said, "You do stink!" scrunched his nose, then went out in the hall and grabbed a pair of sweat pants and continued, "so put these on, give me your pants, and I'll wash them with these rags. And NO worries, this is our little secret...but you will owe me..." then winked, turned, and walked out the bathroom door.

Okay, he didn't wink...but he did leave me as I sputtered after him saying, "What do you mean I will owe you? Like pay for damages? Owe you how?"

He just closed the door.

He never did tell my friend. And luckily she never asked questions that night.

But as we drove home together the next day...we almost crashed because we were laughing so hard because I honestly can't keep stuff like that in...everything seems funnier in the light of day!!!

Doesn't it?

I honestly can't tell a short story! I'm sorry!

Moral of the story: "Never go to the bathroom at a cute guys house period! Risk dying or going to the emergency room! And ALWAYS pay up on your debts...because that actually was ALMOST worth the whole thing..."

ALMOST... Okay...it was WELL worth it! But if I had to go back and do it again...I would have found another way to OWE Connor...

Love,

Shelle

P.S. And sorry about yesterdays post...I fixed the spelling errors, but you have to realize...I write my posts and post them, I rarely return to see what I wrote until later in the day. Flatuation is not even a word and neither is unevitable. *hangs head in shame*

31 comments:

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

ROFLMAO!

Ok...first of all...could the guy have been any sweeter? Could it have ended any better? I LOVE THIS STORY! Too funny!

Did you every see him again? Or did you FLUSH this relationship after the ummm...incident?

American in Norway said...

What happened to Connor?... he sounds like such a good guy... I guy willing to clean your crap? My husband wouldn't even do that for me... (I haven't asked him to, but I know he wouldn't)

McEwens said...

YEAH we want to know, what became of this great guy!!!

sara said...

Oh my gosh, that's an even better ending than I thought. I can't believe he helped you. I don't even like changing a baby's diaper, there's no way I'm going near that stuff.
Great story, thanks for the laugh.

T said...

seriously - that guy was a gem!

and you couldn't have avoided jumping in the puddle?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

The guy is happily married to one of the most beautiful almost perfect people I know.
He is a gem...

But I would still choose my husband over him...even though my husband would have me clean my own flooded crap up! :)

The Wixom Zoo said...

yeah, that's a good story. You were lucky to have such a sweet and understanding guy! (totally gross, by the way) lol!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I like flatuation! Plus you make up cute words all the time so I thought you were doing it on purpose. Or maybe you don't make up cute words all the time. Maybe you just misspell them. ;)

Soooooo heelarious. Did you get your inspiration from Dumb and Dumber or did they get their inspiration from you?

Love your story hours.

Aubrey said...

Hang on a minute while I wipe these tears from my eyes. Oh, the laughs!

Ok...

This explains why you are scarred. LOL

Kristina P. said...

Wow, how humiliating! That would never happen to me. (sob)

Annette Lyon said...

At least he took it in stride. But he should have warned you about the toilet--HE owed YOU for that.

Becky said...

Sadly, I can identify with you. Except there was no flooding; the toilet just wouldn't flush. And it was a certain time of the month...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I am an ORIGINAL...actually I forgot about the Dumb and Dumber part...I'm going to have to go back and watch that movie again...but then, the memories are better faded ya know? lol!

And yes Aubs I'm totally scarred...completely scarred!

Annette-you are the perfect sympathizer...thank you...I felt the same way after I had talked it out with friends...well laughed it out! :)

BECKY!!!--Oh I am so sorry...that is the WORST! hehe...I can't help but imagine though...so embarrassing!

April said...

I wonder if he knew that the toilet was clogged because in old houses the acoustics are soooo good? I'm just saying!

I'm just saying you are freakin hilarious!!!!

binks said...

Glad you have a sense of humor and call talk about it later.
I would have been mortified!!

Eliza said...

Great story! I laughed. I was disgusted. I was charmed. Thanks!

brooken'dus said...

Wait a hot guy cleaning up poo like it's awesome?!? Wow his wife is lucky!!!!

PJ - Our life said...

That was totally great!! So what did you end up having to owe him?

wendy said...

OH boy, I would have been dying as well!!!!!!!!!! Plus dry heaving, cause I do when something looks bad or smells bad. Crying and dry heaving. I had a co-worker once (who luckily lives rather close to work) who would NOT poop at work, She always had to drive home.

Morgan and Derek said...

What a nice guy. I would have died of shame, and cried, just like you did.

Instead, I'll just laugh. WITH you, of course.

Anjeny said...

That was totally hilarious. It was nice of Connor to help you though.

Melinda said...

Oh what a nice ending! He was so sweet, and wasn't rude or anything! Loved it! hahaha It was pretty funny though!

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

I've given you an award on my blog...you are wonderful and must be acknowledged!

GREAT blog!

Kritta22 said...

Oh my word! I didn't think the story could get better!

It sure did!

What a sweetheart that boy is. How did you end up paying him back???

I didn't even catch your miss spelled words. That's how awesome your story was and how much we think alike!

nick said...

This Connor guy sounds like the coolest guy ever. And like I have said before, you are so awesome/brave for sharing these stories.
-Kelly

Heidi Ashworth said...

I'm dying a thousand deaths just thinking about it . . .

Shannon said...

I soooo needed this laugh today!

Awesome story. LOVED it.

Here's my confession:
I never, not once, let any "flatulation" loose when Shane and I were dating. Then one night on our honeymoon, I let one rip. OMGosh, the look of horror on his face... we still have a laugh over how he never once smelled my farts until after we were legally married!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I can't stop laughing and feeling soooo bad for you ;)

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, Shelle-belle! You made my night. I love that you have no shame because it gives us all the giggles. :)

Mother Goose said...

oh, gosh! i refuse to use someone's bathroom unless I see a plunger. If there is a plunger I contemplate what hour I will go, like 3am.
But, mostly I just go to a public restroom, Even though I despise public restrooms.
I have major poop issues.
I will go when there is nobody there at an odd hour and then flush immediately, wipe, flush and outta there. It takes all but 4 seconds. for real!
All of my family members and close friends know I have bathroom runs.
I once had a stomache attack and I was at a friends house. I left and went home to do my business thinking I could be back before they noticed my disappearance. NOPE! they called me and put me on speaker! buncha traitors!

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

Oh my heck! I am still laughing out loud...my DH said, what's so funny, I said, oh it's about crap! LOL LOL
Tears are running down my checks!
This was an AWESOME story. I've got a little something to send ya...check your email.
Oh my word! You are a riot!

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