Public Bathroom Etiquette Lesson 2

I've come upon something that needs to be addressed.

I have filled you in before about certain etiquette's. In the bathroom where I talked about the "courtesy flush" and on an airplane where I talked about the "length of a seatbelt".

But this weeks seems to somehow have a theme that has to do with things pertaining to going to the restroom...or at least TRYING to go to the restroom but NOT QUITE MAKING IT! *shudder*

On top of all of that...my sister and brother-in-law, Suns Fans #1 and #2, tried to be nice yesterday and made CHILI in a bread bowl. Talk about doing something CRAZY to your bowels...Seriously, there is nothing like reminding your stomach that it doesn't like CHILI by eating a BREAD bowl of it!

Next time I venture to eat Chili...will someone remind me that it is a BAD idea?

Yea, Thanks much!

Anyway.

Really fast we need to go over another PUBLIC RESTROOM Etiquette lesson.

I'm going to admit that I didn't feel the need to strain this particular lesson BEFORE the other day...but I've had enough...it's happen 1 to many times...and when I say one to many times I mean once!

I was appalled and embarrassed enough that I felt I needed to tell the masses!

Okay.

Here is the rule...

No talking on your cell phone in the bathroom!


Seriously.

Not kidding!

Here's me the other day in the bathroom...I mean you KNOW I think going to the bathroom is a WASTE of time...I abhor it!

But I couldn't hold it any longer and HAD to go...I was NOT going to be another Target Lady! Ya know what I mean?

So I rushed to the bathroom and proceeded to get over my Public Bathroom Stage Fright and try to relieve myself.

***In walks co-worker***

She goes in the stall, not next time mine (must have read my Courtesy Flush post), and you hear her doing what she needs to do in order to sit on the toilet.

Then SILENCE...

Then:

Co-Worker: "Hello?"

Me: Why in the heck is she talking to me? I don't recognize her shoes? I don't think I know her? Maybe she needs toilet paper? "Hello"? ...I respond.

Co-Worker: "Hey! How are you?"

Me: What the What? Feeling somewhat awkward now I say, "I'm fine" chuckle, "how are you?"

Co-Worker: "Are you kidding me? He did that last NIGHT?!!!"

Me: UH-OH--she isn't talking to me...she is talking on her CELL PHONE!

Now I'm HUMILIATED. How was I to get OUT of there without her noticing who I WAS??? I was going to have to run home and change my shoes...because if I got out of there without her seeing me through the bathroom crack in the stall...she was definitely going to notice MY shoes!

And you KNOW she heard me answering her questions while she was talking to the OTHER person on the phone! You KNOW she did!

I SOOOOO hate public restrooms!

Can't you for 1-5 minutes NOT talk on your cell phone? Is that lady SO important that she HAS to have her phone while doing her business in the bathroom?

I mean COME ON guys!

I am making it a RULE...an etiquette of the bathroom if you will!

Please spread the word...because after I got over my embarrassment of the episode, I had to share it with my co-workers who sat around me, and we LAUGHED until I couldn't breathe...

So it was good for something....BUT...

For the sake of others. Keep your cell phones put away while on the toilet.

I mean, my MIL totally flushed hers down the toilet, so it can be dangerous to cell phones also!

Your.Welcome and Thank.You!!!

Love,

Shelle

Fecal Matter...Don't You Hate It When!

Okay the following is a true story.

However.

I warn you that you might not want to be eating when you read this.

Or STOP here if your stomach gets queasy easily.

Are you still reading?

Then don't blame me for any sort of vomiting or dry heaving you experience.

Because just writing this makes me go though recent memories that I have pushed, shoved, and tried to erase from my psyche...but feel the only way to fully do this is to leave it behind me, or on this blog, where forever it will be written down and taken from my mind.

As Nutty Hamster Chick recently told me which was somewhat prophetic, "A blog is forever"...and it is forever, until you delete it, or until the end of the world comes. But I feel a part of what I have written down is recorded elsewhere to be in records that MAY be forever...ya know? So I feel she knows more and feels deeper than most Nutty Hamster Chicks and I am good with blog aura's, and hers is the purest from...so I trust her deep thoughts.

So as part of my therapy process I am taking this buried experience and bringing out for all to read so the story will continue...and maybe help someone else...because I'm giving that way.

This story is TRUE, and most definitely, a DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN story, in its truest form...

Don't You Hate It When... One sec...I just vomited in my mouth...

Okay, I'm good...

You are walking into Target and your husband grabs your arm...to the point of bruising...to hold you back because if you took ONE MORE step you would have stepped into a LOG of POO!



NO LIE!

My husband saw a lady darting towards the Men's Bathroom, when to HIS horror, a LOG of POO rolled out of the pant leg of the women rushing in front of us to the bathroom.

grant it...she had somewhat of a limp...

But...

She didn't miss a step or acknowledge that she had just dropped fecal matter in the path of my soon to be step! What the what?!!!

I stood there frozen, queasy, yet frozen.

Looking down and with utter disgust I said, "Eeeeewwww she just poo-ed on the floor!"

(I know, I feel ya MOM!)

I know...I like to point out the obvious, its what my husband says is one of my most endearing qualities.

At that same moment she walked OUT of the Men's Bathroom...I stared at her, she looked at me, then walked straight down into the Women's Bathroom.

At that point I felt bad for her. I did. But I couldn't wrap my brain around it.

I don't understand...when it's a LOG of poo...isn't that an easier think to hold in? I mean, I get diarrhea, or water poop, as Peeps calls it, but a LOG of poo? To roll down your leg, out your bum, and down your leg? Your sphincter would have to open up for that to happen right? Sorry to get all vulgar, but it's true. It just seems to me that she would have been able to hold it until she reached the bathroom? Even if it was the Men's. Poor Thing.

But I don't know? She did have a limp...and I know, no one in their right mind would do that on purpose...duh!

Then I was hit with a dilemma.

Do I tell the employees? Because if I tell them are they going to think it was me that had fecal matter roll out my pant leg? Would they think I said someone else did it, but it was really me? Like when someone let's a silent one go...then waits until the first person smells it and lets them say, 'Eeeewww who farted?" and then they say, "The first one who smelt it dealt it?"

Should I risk it?

As I turn around and see a beautiful blonde girl on her cell phone, in her own world, talking as if the whole world and myself, along with my husband, wasn't watching her hoping with all hope that she doesn't step on the log before I can warn her off...

I knew...I knew, *sigh* that the day before Christmas Eve, Eve, was just as good as a time as any to swallow my pride and let the Target employees know.

If I had been in my right mind and not feeling the after effects of dry heaving I would have realized I could have just had my husband do it...

Oh well.

Now the employees at Target give me weird looks and whisper behind their hands as I shop there...but I feel as if I did the right thing...ya know?

Please tell me you Hate when that Happens? What would YOU have done?

Love,

Shelle

Happy Monday, right?

No worries...I have a post in drafts that I shall post tomorrow about Public Bathroom Etiquette!

Okay...don't listen to this post...but you MIGHT regret it!

Okay I don't USUALLY post up Give-aways because lets be honest...with you guys in the running, also, my chances go from PROBABLY not going to win--to MOST DEFINITELY not going to win.

But seeing how this is Sunday, and it pulls at me to be somewhat serious in nature...I wanted to tell you about these pictures that I found from reading CrazyLand's blog, that are being given away.

Because...I'm OBSESSED with Jesus pictures. Really! And couldn't pass up the opportunity to maybe get one of these BEAUTIFUL pictures.

You wouldn't know unless you have been in my house...when I had a house and not a basement with my parents

But when I DID have my house...I had a Jesus Wall. Of all my favorite pictures that I have collected of him by different artists. Of course, without a lot of means...I haven't gotten EVERY ONE that I have every wanted...but after seeing these pictures...I must say...

I felt like that spoiled brat girl on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Old Skool version) where she sings that song about wanting a "GOLD EGG" and wanting it "NOW"...

That's how I feel about these pictures.

Plus...it looks like to me that EVERYONE wins with this one...I think.

So after copying the words under this paragraph...Then send him an email (contact@bowman-art.com) and there you go! Well just read below...remember to copy the rest of this post after these words in this paragraph...it also explains better how you can get a copy of ONE of these paintings! :)

Your Welcome! :) Okay...now start copying!

I wanted to share these beautiful pictures and what the artist has to say about each one of them! Everyone can win a FREE signed 8x10 print of your choice (out of the three prints shown), by copying and posting to your blog or website this whole post! After you post, then send an e-mail to David (contact@bowman-art.com) with your website or blog address telling him you posted it and that you read about this offer on my blog. Also send him your name and mailing address and he will send your signed 8x10 print of your choice.

David Bowman: has had a passion for art ever since he could pick up a pencil. He loves creating images of the Savior that inspire and uplift. Along with his Christian fine art, David has also written and illustrated a series of scripture storybooks for children titled "Who's Your Hero". Check out his website at bowman-art.com to see more of his precious art.

"Innocence" The Savior tells us we need to become as little children to inherit the kingdom of God. I've often wondered what it is about little children Jesus loves most, and I think its their innocence. They are clean slates, seeing the world and others through untarnished eyes. Their hearts are pure, without the baggage of cynicism and self-doubt. In this piece, I've tried to imagine how a child would act upon meeting the Master for the first time. Without reservation or inhibition, I think he would simply want to play with Him. He would be at complete ease, allowing his pure little heart to soak in the love and laughter of His pure, infinite heart. Its no wonder Christ delights in these little ones and sets them up to be our examples


"Security"One of the greatest human needs is a sense of security. In all aspects of life, we naturally gravitate towards anything that makes us feel safe. In this piece, I wanted to convey a sense of complete peace and calm like only the Savior can provide. It's a security that allows us to rest assured, without fear or worry, when we put ourselves trustingly in His arms. Little children have that inherent kind of trust in their parents, so it's fitting that the man and girl who modeled for "Security" are actually father and daughter. They generatedthe exact feel I was looking for.



"My Child"This piece conveys an intimate, up-close-and-personal feeling of the Savior's love. Notice how all the lines draw your attention and point towards Jesus' face in the center.

I chose the name "My Child" because the only thing that could compare (even remotely) to Christ's compassion for us is the love of a parent for his/her child. This image is also intended to put things in perspective. Above all, we are God's children first. He allows us the privilege of experiencing parenthood for ourselves and we are entrusted to be the mothers and fathers of His children here on earth.

Remember this is over by tomorrow!!! So hurry!

Can't blame me...I just found out today! :)

Love,

Shelle

My Stomach is TOO old to eat Sticky Fingers from Wingers!

Okay, I am secluded in a closet writing this post because my New Year's Resolution was to clean before I posted...(Thanks Kritta for the uninspired-inspiration---NOT!)

It wouldn't have been so bad if I would have just kept it to myself, but NO, I had to announce it to my family, and for SOME REASON, my husband wants me to stick to this one! The NERVE!

If I want to break a NEW YEAR's Resolution hours after I made it, that should be MY prerogative, not his...right?

Can I get an a M.E.N.!

I wanted to Barf My Brains Out (BMBO--if you haven't been stalking Crash...you wouldn't have known that, except hers was BYBO--Barfing Your Brains Out)--after my New year's party not because I DRANK to much...but because I ATE one to many Wingers STICKY FINGER wings! OH.MY.Gadness!!!! It wasn't the Pizza from Pizza Hut that did it, or the Caramel popcorn I made with LIGHT BROWN SUGAR and LIGHT CORN SYRUP, or the Wheat Thins I ate, or the Root Beer Float I had...

No...

It was definitely the Sticky Fingers from Wingers that did it!

I summoned the GODDESS of not-throwing-up to my rescue and vowed NEVER to indulge in my Sticky Fingers again...or Party like it's 1999...but 10 years later!

My stomach isn't as young as it use to be...and that is just plain sad.

Back in the Ol' Days...none of this would have been a problem. Cleaning would have been passed as a poor excuse of boredom and almost BYBO after eating STICKY FINGERS would have been passed as a dare gone wrong.

So sad...

This WHOLE getting older bit!

Why do they call it HAPPY NEW YEAR? More like SAPPY new year!

I think Benjamin Button had it all right...or the writer of Benjamin Button had it write/right...let time go Backwards, we should be celebrating and partying like it is 2007...

The only thing I would change is that when we get to the point in our life that is the MOST tolerant of eating STICKY FINGERS from WINGERS than we can stop time...right there...and live in perfect perfectness! Don't you think?

And just because I want to say this...when I partied like it was 1999---it was, and my body was, pretty PERFECT!

Can I get an AMEN!

Love,

Shelle

To 2009 and hoping that all of YOUR stomachs were young enough to eat Sticky Fingers!

What I learned from SUNBEAM Ryan...

You all had sound advice about my de-follower...and I thank Annie and Mariko for jumping on the Shelle wagon. (You money is in the mail)

After reading all of your replies I grudgingly went to the trash can with my assumed-identity-of-the-defollower and burned her Voodoo doll.

On to the subject of this post.

On Sunday I went radical. Or tried to go radical...it's hard to go radical when you seek attention all of the time, because people sometimes notice the attention seeker has left the building, or is trying to leave the building, and abuse the notion of missing you.

Especially if you are a member of MY ward.

It's insane.

Can't a semi-perfect sunday attending person decide to play HOOKIE once in a while?

It's absurd!

Here is the full story, believe me, you don't want to miss this...there is a moral at the end of this story...

After sacrament commences I rush out of the pew and make my way out the doors into the hallway...except there is an older lady SLOWLY making her way to the same hallway directly in front of me.

I'm like a little kid trying to see around a TALL mans head...poking my body around to the left, can't get by, then poking my body around to the right, still can't get by. I face defeat and shuffle my steps to the same cadence as the older lady. I know at this point that my plan to escape might be thwarted...but I still wanted to take the risk...I could do this, I had stocked up on Milkduds all through the High Councilman's talk...I was on a sugar HIGH!

Finally, I found a space where I could squeeze passed the slowly shuffling old lady and made for my escape, only to be stopped by an old friend from high school who was visiting. CRAP!!! I talked and enjoyed the conversation, but at the back of my mind I could only think of the sweet new pajamas I had gotten for Christmas and the prospect of an HOUR in bed undisturbed.

We said our Goodbyes...

As I make my way up the Hall I run into my husband.

Me: "OH! Hi...you off to class?" Looking quickly right, then left, then guiltily at him.

MSM: Looks at me suspiciously, "Um...are YOU off to class?"

Me: Deciding to be honest, since it was SUNDAY, "No, I'm going to play HOOKIE today...want to come?" Excited as a little kid!

MSM: Starts laughing. "Seriously? You are leaving church?"

Me: "SHHHHHH...." looking left, then right again, then slyly smiling, "Yea."

Then all of a sudden the Primary President taps me on the shoulder.

I jump 10 feet.

Primary President: "Hi, Shelle...we are short a Sunbeam teacher. Could you possibly fill in today?"

Me: Can't say NO if my life depended on it...but I had to this TIME, my LIFE did depend on it, and I wasn't giving in...with the strongest pretend-non-hookie voice I could muster I said, "Sure!"

Crap!

I endure an hour of singing...pining for my pajamas and hour of undisturbed sleep. As we sing, "If your Happy and you know it clap your Hands"--I STOMPED my feet...that'll show them!!!

We get into class. No manual, no lesson, and 4 big eyed sunbeams.

I pull out the blank papers and crayons and tell them to draw Jesus in the manger, while I speak about Christmas and Santa Claus being the same day as the day we celebrate Jesus' birth...

Finally I look over to Sunbeam Ryan who had tapped me on my arm.

Me: "Hey Sunbeam Ryan." with a fake, if-it-weren't-for-your-teacher-I-would-be-sleeping half smile.

Sunbeam Ryan: "Like my manager?" Eyes all BIG and BLUE and dusted with dirty blonde LONG eyelashes.

Me: Looks over to the squiggles and stick lines drawn in yellow and reply in the most awed voice that I could and said, "Wow Ryan! That is FREAKIN' awesome!"

Sunbeam Ryan: BIG BLUE eyes go wide and he cowers as if I have hit him. And then gasps and shouts to the floor, "YOU SWORE!!!"

Me: "I did! No I didn't, I NEVER swear! What did I say?"

Sunbeam Ryan: Whispers in a still small voice, "you said, 'freakin'."

Me: "You right I did...WOW, I am so sorry, I had NO idea that was a swear word. Please forgive me."

Did you know how hard it was to go without saying FREAKIN for the next 45 minutes. I didn't realize I used the word so much!

But it is always good to learn a lesson on Sunday...and I sure did learn a lesson.

NO, not to avoid Primary Presidents or playing hookie...

But that Freakin' is a swear word. But I will have to admit that Crash has been a bad influence on me GAD TAMN-IT--she has been swearing up a storm according to Sunbeam Ryan's outline for a swear words and they have sort of a charming ring to them, so much so, that they have wiggled their way into my blog vocabulary, their coming OUT being today. I might need an intervention.

i'll let you know.

Love,

Shelle

P.S. Did you know that Freakin' is a swear word? Learn something new everyday! I would like to hear somethings you have learned!!! :)