Friday, April 13, 2018

Hurt causes hurt

I was listening to Brene Brown, she was on the podcast On Being and it is February 8th episode entitled, "Brene Brown - Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart"... and all I know is something she said gave me pause - it resonated deep inside my soul and gave me the goosebumps of truth. Here is what I heard:

"It is so much easier for people to cause pain than to feel their own pain".


With my journey this translates to, "It is so much easier for people to think bad of others than to deal with and feel the bad they see in themselves".

Image came from here
Isn't this sooooo true!? Think... think hard... is there a time when you were hating on someone else that you weren't feeling pain within yourself?

I tried and tried but couldn't hit on anytime where I wasn't feeling pain first. It didn't necessarily come from that person, but when I was not loving myself inside and hating what I was seeing, I would then see other people and, in my mind, judge and criticize them to feel better about myself. Not to their face, of course, I was too shame-filled to be brave enough to do that, but I did judge and criticize in my mind.

I couldn't handle the pain that came from comparing myself to others, the thwarted image of what I SHOULD look like, and then never able to achieve it.  I would push down those feelings of shame, guilt, and sadness and out (but in) would come this mean girl side of me.

I judged and I negatively spoke about peoples success as if they didn't have a right to be there. For example, I'd be searching on social media and see someone that would be promoting a business with a cute picture of them or someone promoting their new "gains" or someone talking about a new opportunity that came their way and I would instantly roll my eyes instead of feeling excited or happy for them. I was too focused on what I wasn't doing or getting or looking like, so broken inside, that I coped the only way I felt I could, the only way I knew how.

In my recovery, I realize that when I go to a place of gossip, judgment, and negativity that I need to look inside and see where I am hurting! Just knowing my behavior and recognizing my pattern helps me use the tools I have gained to stop that behavior and fix what really needs fixing.

Let me tell you though... it's hard work! In fact, I "relapsed" (if you can call it that) a few weeks ago... I learned that even though I know and am aware of doing this, it doesn't stop me from occasionally going back to old habits, but I recognize it quickly and am able to get me back on the right track.

This has brought up many conversations with my children. When someone hurts you physically, mentally, or emotionally it isn't usually about you, it's almost always about them and what's going on around them or to them that is causing them pain on the inside. "Misery loves company", they want you to feel like them or worse than them, because for some reason, for a brief moment, it does make them feel better. The reason I know this is because I've experienced it. What comes after though, is more shame, more guilt, and more misery.

Being happy with me first - healing me from the inside, helps me to be genuinely happy for others. I can appreciate the way they look, how hard they have worked, be excited for their success in body, mind, spirit, and career. It helps me feel REAL joy in my life. It's really hard to explain, but I truly wish it for everyone, including myself, because I don't ever want to go back to where I was before I started this journey.

This probably isn't much of a major breakthrough for a lot of people, but I thought I'd share anyway, in case, it spoke to anyone else, because it really resonated with me.

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