Friday, March 2, 2018

Change, growth, and worth

My life has been full of change. In the last two months, I have changed positions at work, moved to a new home and area, changed which dance studio I teach at, and my husband changed jobs as well! It's been a whirlwind, probably the most change I have had to deal with, at one time, in my life. You know the mantra that kept moving through my mind? No? Let me just tell you:

And I was definitely living a life full of comfort zones! Change is scary and it's exciting all at the same time - so yea ... change is confusing. It's like you get caught in a tornado of change and then that tornado starts evening out and bit and you land on your two feet and you think..."man I'm doing this" and at the next turn you are pleading with your eyes focused heavenward yelling, "I can't do this-it's too much". And yet, I feel like I'm winning even though I have no idea, in some cases, what I'm even doing! Change makes us grow and it challenges us and we can become a better person if we allow it to mold us. Change has brought me to my knees and humbled me. I can never go back, nor do I want to go back, to who I was before the change.

It will be a year in April since I decided that I was going to invest all of my energy on changing the love I had for myself on the inside so that I would love looking at me on the outside. I just had my 39th birthday and this was the first birthday since I turned 30 where I wasn't sad I was another year older and filled with dread that I would find, yet, another wrinkle. I'm not thinner, if anything I probably have gained some weight, although I don't know for sure since I don't have a scale and haven't stepped on a scale since July - my clothes fit snugger but I can still wear them all.  The important thing about all of that is... I am happier with me. I'm not so focused on getting attention by what I wear or how red my hair color is or by my make up being just right. However, I feel beautiful, I know my beauty hasn't changed because of my size or shape. I'm free of food guilt and shame. I wish I could describe what that feels like and what a mountain that is for me to have climbed, but I am SO proud of that.

Don't get me wrong, I have setbacks, I'm human, but that doesn't take away from the progress I have made.

I eat better not because of any goal to get thinner but because it makes me happy to feel incredible by what I'm putting in my body... that includes sugar and carbs. I know what foods make me suffer and what foods give me more energy. I know that I don't HAVE to eat the cookie when it's offered, but I can wait to eat it when I feel like it, or get it later...what's even better is that I don't obsess about the cookie until I finally give in and eat it, it's just a cookie now. I am beginning to ask myself when I am hungry, "Why are you hungry?" and figuring out my emotional attachment to food and having the tools to know how to work through those times. I recognize when my body begins to tell me that it's hungry and I should eat soon...I am also recognizing when to stop (still not pro at this, but man am I leaps and bounds better than I was). Not finishing the food that was on my plate was really weird for me at first, but now it doesn't even bother me.

I am also finally finding what being "active" means to me. I will admit, activity has been hit and miss because each time I would start trying to work out again, I would find myself making rules for me and feeling guilty if I didn't burn a certain amount of calories. So I would step back from being active to re-focus. Gently I have eased back into activity in the last couple of months and it has been amazing. When I am active now, I am focusing on how it is making me feel and I stop any activity I am doing if I am not enjoying it and that has worked for far!

It's not an exact science but I am telling you if I could find a way to bottle up what I am starting to understand about health, food freedom, and mental wellness I would do it in a heartbeat and give it away for free. Everyone should be free of shame or guilt around these topics.

I don't want to be that person who is shoving this conversation and these topics down people's throats, but I want to shout it from the rooftops. So if you ever want to talk about any of this in depth... I'm.your. girl. No seriously... I want to talk!

If you are that person that looks in the mirror and hates what they see reflected back, just know, there is a better way to see yourself and a possible way to see yourself where you can be proud of you, regardless of any external imperfections, or perceived imperfections, you see that holds you back from living your fullest life. You are worthy of love and you ARE loved.

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