Monday, June 9, 2008

To Be Honest...Spanking vs. Timeout

Brutally Honest Mondays” border=



I decided to take on Mrs. Flinger's Brutally Honest Monday!



So I am going to hit on a subject that in my studies to achieve my degree was ultra sensitive...but I had no idea HOW sensitive until I became a member of the MOM crew...



At play groups the subject comes up quite a bit...and I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to voice it...okay, sometimes a little afraid...and every once in a while...just a tad bit shy to get it all out there...(I know what those of you who know me are thinking...shy? Yea right...but truly I am, if I barely know the women and have just been invited or have pushed my way into an invite...then yea, I'm a little shy to voice my opinion)



But my blog is a whole other story. This is where I can lay it all out and get YOUR honest opinion.



I really love getting to know how other people parent...or how they would LIKE to parent when they start having children of their own...because babysitting a child and actually having your own are TWO very different worlds!



So my question posed to you is...what is YOUR take...are you a parent that spanks your child? Or are you a parent that uses TIMEOUT...If you have no desire to learn how I feel than stop reading now...I warn you, I am giving an honest opinion and this is personally how I feel! Okay, carrying on...



I believe that spanking is okay. Yep you heard it right, I personally feel that if your child is going to burn themselves, get run over in the street, or be disrespectful...they deserve a good swat on the butt. Not a pat...or a caress...but a SPANK on the bum. I do have rules though...



As my husband and I were preparing to have kids I was taking a class on child development and this issue came up. I'll never forget what the professor said...it has stuck with me and it is something my husband and I agreed on when we were discussing punishment for our children when we began to have them. The professor said, "I believe that one hit constitutes punishment and two hits is abuse."



Basically saying that one good swat on the butt is not going to be overly dramatic for your child...that if you need to prove a point quickly,than a spank on the bum is a good effective way to do this...but that if you have to hit them more than once then that treads a scary line of being angry AND out of control...and when you are out of control when you are trying to punish your child then you are bordering abuse because you are not thinking straight...you are consumed by rage or anger.


My husband and I have totally stuck by that rule. If we decide to punish because our child is going to hurt themselves or they are sassy, rude, or disrespectful than we have ONE good swat...that's it. We miss or we feel like we didn't get a good enough swat in, then TOO bad...then when they have calmed down we get down to their level and discuss why we did what we did. It seems to work for us. It actually has gotten to the point where all we have to do is tell them to go to their room and cry and when they are done crying to come out and talk with us...we don't hardly even SPANK at all, if ever, anymore...not even this child...





It's true...this IS Brutally Honest Monday...I would never lie to you on Brutally Honest Monday! My Sassy girl swishes her hips back and forth as she is sobbing into her hands and walking into her room...but sure enough she goes into her room and I yell, "Shut the door I don't want to hear you cry" where she dutifully shuts the door. Then about a minute later she is not crying anymore and she comes out and says, "I all done crying Mom". It's great...at least MOST of the time...it isn't a perfected science.

Timeouts or grounding my child, for me, are punishing me. I am HORRIBLE at remembering that I have given them timeout or have grounded them. I have tried, believe me I have. I'll say, "Don't you talk to Mom that way" than I'll say, "you go to timeout right now...I'll come get you when your time is up". I even had a "Naughty Room", stolen from Super Nanny. So I would put my child in the naugty room and then I would go about my day. I would FORGET them in the naughty room...

or...

I would send them to the naughty room then sit there and listen to them rant and rave and wail and gnash teeth...just to count the seconds until I could open the door...(I think the rule was 1 minute for however old they were).

Timeout was ALWAYS my first option. It didn't work...not for my little boy and not for my little girl.

Just to reiterate...I only spank if I feel and deem it necessary...and never when I am extremely angry. I may yell and stomp my feet...but I know when I need to go into another room and take a minute to compose myself before issuing any kind of punishment to my kids!

The spanking is not making the impact I would like with DCar anymore...for example: about a 1/2 year ago I told my boy that if he kept teasing his sister that I would spank his bum...he then looked at me and then continued teasing. I grabbed him and spanked his butt. You know what he did? He broke out in laughter...that's right LAUGHTER...he instantly covered his mouth and TRIED to stop...but like his MOM...when we have the giggles, we have the giggles...there IS NO STOPPING.period. So spanking doesn't work anymore for DCar...

but I have found out what does...in another class I remember they said, "Find something they hold of value--something they deem they cannot live without...then you threaten to take it away from them and you follow through!"

This has worked great with DCar. I take away what he holds most dear and sure enough...he is instantly a better kid...it's great!


I am lucky though...I really have great and mostly behaved kids...


I HATE-HATE to punish my kids...I hate it with passion to the point where I loathe it, but I know that it is necessary to have boundries and to show your children that there are consequences to their actions...that YES they have their free will...they can choose whatever they like...and that when they choose right the consequence is SWEET!


SO...how do you feel? What works best for you?

14 comments:

Merrianne & Spencer said...

ok..first of all i lvoe your new "word" and the Kid Jokes...they are HIIIlarious!!!

about the spanking thing:
i do Time OUT for MOST crimes...but if something is going to hurt them...like one time my daughter was obsessed with sticking her finger in the fan and in order to kind of SCARE her into not doing that, i would SWAT her bottom when she would get her fingerclose to the blades. It made her stop.

Now. I do not believe in Spanking HARD enough to leave a MaRK or anything like that....

99.9% of the time it is TIME OUT in my house..but. .1% might lead to a SPANKING.

I'd like to SPANK other people's kids more often though :)

D&BC said...

I am like you...I HATE punishing my kids!! But I'm not a spanker I'm a time-outer, but my kids hate time out so it works for us. On another note I have been trying to get a hold of you so if you have a sec call me!

Marie + Jeff said...

Great post and line of thought here. Since I am not yet a parent, I know that the things that I say that I am going to do or would like to do will change as kids do come into the picture. But I think that I would go the 1) time out and 2) spanking route.

But I do agree with you about when spanking is punishment versus bordering on abuse. I have struggled with that, so thanks for the quote from your class experiences. I will definitely keep that in mind as the rugrats come into the picture.

Mrs. Flinger said...

Wonderful timing!! We *just* recorded the exact same topic on Mamaspod as a podcast last week (Um, I still have to edit it which is why it's not posted, my bad.) But I LURVE that you chose this one.

I totally spank. But mostly for things that are a danger to my child or others. If it's a tantrum, etc, usually it's time out or other losing privileges, etc. But a swat on the butt? One time and not out of anger? Totally fine in my book.

She's a good kid. I swear it's because we discipline and stick with it. I do.

Karen said...

I have no problem with spanking. I spent a good deal of my childhood getting spanked *grin*. However, it was COMPLETELY ineffective on my firstborn, so we started the time outs and punishments that fit the crime. And since we set the precedent with #1, we've carried it on with #2 and will continue to do the time outs with any future cherubs.

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

Yep! I spank or as we call it "use the rod of correction." If you disobey, you are choosing to get the rod. Now, sometimes we do punish instead. It totally depends on the offense. The punishment must fit the crime.

I was a teacher for several years at a school that spanked. I spanked kids all the time with a specially designed paddle and everything. The teachers got trained on how to spank, what you say before, what you do after. We prayed at the end of it. Her it is in a nutshell:

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child and the rod of corrections drives it out.

Disobedience is a choice you make and if my words can't turn your actions around then you are choosing the rod (after so many offenses).

Actually the kids I spanked the most were the ones that I was closest to by the end of the year and they loved me to death. The parents were always behind me and I called them before I spanked. No one ever said not to do it when I told them the circumstance. Most said to make it count.

Anyway, there's my opinion. I'm sure many disagree with it.

Smonkey Mama said...

Not sure if you will look at yesterdays comments again so I am commenting about yesterday...I LOVE HANDS!! That was one of my stipulations with a husband. He had to have sexy eyes, great hands, great lips, and a butt OF COURSE! Nothing worse than a guy with no butt. OOPS, sorry if that didn't sound nice. Oh well, it's the truth! Flat butts are out, in my book. ;)
I loved your photos and will have to get a move on with my blog. It needs something other than words on it!!

Smonkey Mama said...

As for the spanking thing, I am with you on this one! I totally believe in a spank if they need it. I just hate it when I miss or do a "sissy swat" (when I don't spank hard enough.) I don't like to spank more than once either... We have a saying with our kids about listening with ears vs rears. It's catchy and they listen...well, usually.
I HATE spanking too, but sometimes there is nothing instead that is valuable enough at that particular moment to threaten taking away. I know that for my kids the discipline needs to be fairly immediate in order to be effective (whether that be grounding for something they are looking forward to that very day [heaven for bid that I use this, because like I said in my blog, that's just grounding myself], or a time outs, which I also don't like using because I too forget... :))

DeGraffenried's said...

I'm with you. I give spanks when it is deserved. I do time-outs every now and then when it is a light punishment like the kids fighting with each other. A lot of the times though I give myself a time out so I don't cross that line of a spank and abuse! I think that is what is wrong with a lot of the kids these days. Their parents are way to soft on them. They aren't discipled enough and have no respect for their parents or others. So their you have it!!

shell said...

I just wanted to let you know that I clicked on some of your ads :) hope that help makes you some moolah :)

oh and I can't believe you type 135 words per minute! thats like wonder woman speed!!!

crazy!!!

Natalie Sue said...

I have been thinking about this and wonder what I'll end up doing. I need to decide, but I haven't gotten to that point of discipline in my life. I think you have a great point though - no more than one swat. I was spanked and I don't think it was traumatic or detrimental....But I was also an MFHD major and the professors I had so no never, not ever! Who knows? I don't yet!

Jenni said...

I spank, but only for attitude or deliberate disobedience. For careless things, I usually don't punish, but if they are careless after warnings, then we use timeout. I usually have the kids put their noses on the fridge and put the microwave timer on.

Otherwise, I've found that just putting them on a chair somewhere is just not effective.

Pappy Yokum said...

Straight from Dogpatch USA, Pappy Yokum says there are three rules to spanking. First is to never do it with anger. You must always be in complete control before the application. Second is that one good swat is all that should be necessary. Third is that each child needs to be evaluated separately as to the effectiveness of spanking.

Great question, great blog.

Anonymous said...

I don't do believe in either.

In the twenty-one years we have spent parenting our nine children...it has been our experience neither are as successful as finding a way to achieve the results we desire, while allowing a child to save face. That being said, we are all about boundaries, choices and consequences. But...in our home your much more likely to have to vacum a floor or aphabetize books.

It is a system that works well for us.

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