Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What I learned from SUNBEAM Ryan...

You all had sound advice about my de-follower...and I thank Annie and Mariko for jumping on the Shelle wagon. (You money is in the mail)

After reading all of your replies I grudgingly went to the trash can with my assumed-identity-of-the-defollower and burned her Voodoo doll.

On to the subject of this post.

On Sunday I went radical. Or tried to go radical...it's hard to go radical when you seek attention all of the time, because people sometimes notice the attention seeker has left the building, or is trying to leave the building, and abuse the notion of missing you.

Especially if you are a member of MY ward.

It's insane.

Can't a semi-perfect sunday attending person decide to play HOOKIE once in a while?

It's absurd!

Here is the full story, believe me, you don't want to miss this...there is a moral at the end of this story...

After sacrament commences I rush out of the pew and make my way out the doors into the hallway...except there is an older lady SLOWLY making her way to the same hallway directly in front of me.

I'm like a little kid trying to see around a TALL mans head...poking my body around to the left, can't get by, then poking my body around to the right, still can't get by. I face defeat and shuffle my steps to the same cadence as the older lady. I know at this point that my plan to escape might be thwarted...but I still wanted to take the risk...I could do this, I had stocked up on Milkduds all through the High Councilman's talk...I was on a sugar HIGH!

Finally, I found a space where I could squeeze passed the slowly shuffling old lady and made for my escape, only to be stopped by an old friend from high school who was visiting. CRAP!!! I talked and enjoyed the conversation, but at the back of my mind I could only think of the sweet new pajamas I had gotten for Christmas and the prospect of an HOUR in bed undisturbed.

We said our Goodbyes...

As I make my way up the Hall I run into my husband.

Me: "OH! Hi...you off to class?" Looking quickly right, then left, then guiltily at him.

MSM: Looks at me suspiciously, "Um...are YOU off to class?"

Me: Deciding to be honest, since it was SUNDAY, "No, I'm going to play HOOKIE today...want to come?" Excited as a little kid!

MSM: Starts laughing. "Seriously? You are leaving church?"

Me: "SHHHHHH...." looking left, then right again, then slyly smiling, "Yea."

Then all of a sudden the Primary President taps me on the shoulder.

I jump 10 feet.

Primary President: "Hi, Shelle...we are short a Sunbeam teacher. Could you possibly fill in today?"

Me: Can't say NO if my life depended on it...but I had to this TIME, my LIFE did depend on it, and I wasn't giving in...with the strongest pretend-non-hookie voice I could muster I said, "Sure!"


I endure an hour of singing...pining for my pajamas and hour of undisturbed sleep. As we sing, "If your Happy and you know it clap your Hands"--I STOMPED my feet...that'll show them!!!

We get into class. No manual, no lesson, and 4 big eyed sunbeams.

I pull out the blank papers and crayons and tell them to draw Jesus in the manger, while I speak about Christmas and Santa Claus being the same day as the day we celebrate Jesus' birth...

Finally I look over to Sunbeam Ryan who had tapped me on my arm.

Me: "Hey Sunbeam Ryan." with a fake, if-it-weren't-for-your-teacher-I-would-be-sleeping half smile.

Sunbeam Ryan: "Like my manager?" Eyes all BIG and BLUE and dusted with dirty blonde LONG eyelashes.

Me: Looks over to the squiggles and stick lines drawn in yellow and reply in the most awed voice that I could and said, "Wow Ryan! That is FREAKIN' awesome!"

Sunbeam Ryan: BIG BLUE eyes go wide and he cowers as if I have hit him. And then gasps and shouts to the floor, "YOU SWORE!!!"

Me: "I did! No I didn't, I NEVER swear! What did I say?"

Sunbeam Ryan: Whispers in a still small voice, "you said, 'freakin'."

Me: "You right I did...WOW, I am so sorry, I had NO idea that was a swear word. Please forgive me."

Did you know how hard it was to go without saying FREAKIN for the next 45 minutes. I didn't realize I used the word so much!

But it is always good to learn a lesson on Sunday...and I sure did learn a lesson.

NO, not to avoid Primary Presidents or playing hookie...

But that Freakin' is a swear word. But I will have to admit that Crash has been a bad influence on me GAD TAMN-IT--she has been swearing up a storm according to Sunbeam Ryan's outline for a swear words and they have sort of a charming ring to them, so much so, that they have wiggled their way into my blog vocabulary, their coming OUT being today. I might need an intervention.

i'll let you know.



P.S. Did you know that Freakin' is a swear word? Learn something new everyday! I would like to hear somethings you have learned!!! :)


John Deere Mom said...

I saw freakin all the time, but it is a "bad word" in my classroom. The kids aren't allowed to say it and I have to REALLY watch myself!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm second in line! That is so GAD TAMN FREAKIN AWESOME!

hee hee

You are so cute and funny. I'm so happy we're twins. Charming swearing can be so much fun when you share it with your blog blood!

How charming too that you were sneaking out of church. We totally are twins, except I always stay in my church clothes.

T said...

freaking? a swear word... I abso-freakin'-lutely disagree :) Of course, I do refrain from using it around my primary class...

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I used to think heck was a swear word when I was in kindergarten. So, basically, kids are dumb and don't listen to Ryan. Just keep freakin to your hearts content.

I ditched church on Sunday to go to NYC in 65 degree weather. The trick is not to go to church in first place. Then you can't be stopped by the primary prez.

clan of the cave hair said...

I don't like hearing my 5 year old say "freakin'" so I consider it a semi-swear. The same 5 year old did say "what the hell" to his teacher a couple of weeks ago thoguh, and while he was chastised, I actually thougth it was funny. I'm real consistent like that.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I ditched church on Sunday :) My little one is sick AGAIN. Sorry you couldn't get that break.

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

WOW! THIS WAS FREAKING HYSTERICAL! OH NO! Now you have me doing it! Thanks a lot! :-)
I'll have to remember that in my nursery class. I'll have 12-2 year olds running around saying at home to their mommies! LOL
And yeah, if you're gonna ditch...here's how...rule number 1...don't go...rule number 2, leave before the sing the closing song...that'll help you escape faster. Not that I would know this...I've just heard that's how it's done! LOL

Anjeny said...

Aw Shelle, that was a great story. I love the way you stick to your gun..ahah.
Did you know that "OH CRAP" is a swear word? Ok so maybe I said it so much that my two-year old has made it a daily part of her vocabulary. I have to seriously rethink and train myself from saying that...so now I've picked up "FREAKIN" and you're telling me that's a swear word? There goes my whole English language..lol.

Marie said...

So, first of all, you aren't really playing hookey if you go and then leave. You have to give it all you can give and just skip it all together! But I understand that you have lil' ones that you need to set a good example for...so good for you. Next time, try to sneak out during the closing hymn. That way you avoid the crowded rush to get out of the chapel and you are almost sure not to run into someone you don't want to see.

Barbaloot said...

Can I just say I am shocked and appalled (and that will be especially poignant if you went to BYU) by your sacriligeousness...and that of these other bloggers. Shocked.

And also-I thoroughly enjoyed leaving church after sacrament meeting on Sunday. Especially cuz the Stake President said that those of us who did were wicked. Ha!

And one more also---your photo blog was definitely in my top recommendations when I got on google reader today! I was very excited for you:)

nick said...

There is also frickin and friggin but I was not aware that they were swear words. Oh well, at least its not the real word.

Kritta22 said...

My mom and dad aren't LDS and we STILL weren't able to say freaking, or frigging or Oh MY Go_ either. I remember getting in trouble for saying crap once. Only until we moved out of the house was in 'acceptable'! (I'm talking 22 years old!) Frigging crap!!

Kritta22 said...

PS The newest rumor for our base is Nellis AFB...Las Vegas!!!!!!! I thought you would be excited to hear that. I'm praying it happens!

I'm just thinking of my awesome Christmas next year with your name on it! :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

JDM-You teach! I guess you wouldn't allow it in the classroom...lesson learned! lol!

CTD--Okay...I guess I can try leaving my church clothes on next time...but doesn't that defeat the purpose? You are the wiser one so I shall take your advice.

T.--next time a nice heads up would be great!!!

Alyson--i know you ditched church...I read your post and was extremely jealous...why didn't you email to let me know the weather was like that...I would've attempted to fly out there to experience it myself!!!

Clan of the Cave hair--hahahahaha! I love how you finish your comment...still laughing.."consistent like that!" lol!

Emily-I hope your kid is "better" from being "sick"...I used that one last week. i did say I was a semi-perfect attender! :)

CJ-thanks for the advice...I'll have to remember that...and 12-2 YEAR OLDS!!! Their parents just better be thankful you are watching them at all!!! Gad Bless you!!!

Anjeny--CRAP is a swear word??? Crap!!! Now you have totally punched me in the gut because I CAN'T give up CRAP!!!

Marie--hahahahaha--hahahaha--okay I'll give it all I got next time! :)

Barb--I find it refreshing that you can stand up to your Stake President...I'm not appalled, because I don't judge you see...lol!

Kelly--Amen girl Amen!

Kritta--FORGET about your other comment you might be in VEGAS...girl that would be Awesome!!! Yea, Yea and YEA!!!

binks said...

ROFL.......can't.... catch.... my .....breath...hahahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha....

You guys are soooo funny!
Of course those aren't "actual" swear words. Just a lame stand in for the real thing. Besides, I think they are all just "words". As long as you aren't using the Lord's name in vain, I think you are good to go.

The church ditching is a more serious matter. Especially if you are totally nabbed by the Primary President.
Damn, crap, that friggin stinks. (for a good shock, everyone read between the lines for the real words)

Excuse me, I have to go put out the fire in my rear end, I think I am starting to burn.......

Natalie said...

My kids used to say 'freakin' all the time (cuz me and hubby do) and then I realized that not all families find that acceptable and I had to ban it. Which is a hard habit to break! We had to make a little reward and punishment system to help them out. Now it's all 'flippin', which for some reason sounds so much nicer.

brooken'dus said...

haha sorry I'll let you know why later..............

PJ - Our life said...

Leave it to kids to teach you something new!! And don't you hate it when you get trapped trying to escape?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Don't you hate it when that happens. I am not very impressed when my teenagers say freakin but it has more to do with the tone of their voice than their actual words.

Sher said...

I say freakin' all the time. And sadly, a lot worse things too. I also like to sluff Sunday school. I need to repent.

Melanie J said...

Yeah, I'm having a hard time explaining why "crap" isn't a swear word in our house but is in half the places we go. It'd be best if I just quit saying it, but it's the last good one I have left.

April said...

I actually got in trouble when I was 16 for saying "fart"! I wouldn't dare say "freaking" around my parents and I am 40++.

I hate it when my boys say that word, but I say it all the time! hahahahaha!!! It's funny what stress will do to a mouth.

Our nephews weren't allowed to say the "s" word to their sister......if they did she would go running to her mom and say, "They called me the S word!"
The "s" word being spoiled. She was the only girl with 6 brothers!

PS-Don't you know where the side doors are in your church house? I have mine all covered!

PPS-BTW, nice to meet you too! Love your blog!

Jen said...

In my house we make an important distinction: There are swear words, and rude words - none of which are allowed by children.

That way poor, innocent primary substitutes won't be wrongfully accused of swearing.

Krissy said...

LOL ... Ok, so, as my years have progressed into adult-hood ... my amusement with so called "swear" words has increased... lol SO NOW.... one of the most HILARIOUS phrases to me (and it has to be said in THIS dialect, or it's totally not as funny) (courtesy of a previous boss) "AAAAWWWW SHI-YIT". So ... my point is .... some find it funny, some have sticks up their butts and look down their nose at us who use the "swear" words a little too loosely... lol Oh, and we skipped church this past Sunday.... not a good day around my house, so we decided to keep our foul moods to ourselves. lol

Amanda said...

Freaking is my favorite swear word. I love to tell my kids to, "stop saying that freaking word! You little freakers!"

Once I told Rhon to stop saying butt, and she said, "Okay, I'm going to smack your FREAKING butt! How's that?" I laughed. Horrible, but I couldn't help it.

Mariko said...

So apparently shut up and stupid are swear words, according to some of my students. Does that mean I should not say that to them?

Mindy said...

ALWAYS sneak out before the end! I'm an expert ;) It's especially easy if you have a child who is almost always misbehaving.....nobody questions! And should you see ANYONE, turn and walk the opposite direction so there is ZERO chance of being caught! Man I wish I could get away with it too, but I am the nursery teacher for TONS of kids (18 if all of them are there! luckily not quite as many this coming year, it's crazy) and it would be irresponsible for me to escape :)

And the POO story was DISGUSTING.....and yet SO funny! I'll start watching where I step :)

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