Monday, August 23, 2010

Give me a few minutes...and I'll get over it.

This post has sat here in my drafts for a while. Not sure if typing this out for everyone to see was a very good idea.

But here you are, reading this, because I pressed PUBLISH POST.

There is this trait I have, that at first, I felt was a good character trait about me, but I have come to realize that maybe it isn't.

I forgive easily.

Seems like something that one would strive for. Forgiving. I know many people that have a hard time with it, and struggle to let go of a past grudge they have against someone who has done something to harm them physically or emotionally.

Not me. It isn't a problem.

I have always been able to let things go.

Let me explain how I've figured out that this has come to be, maybe, something not so good for me.

You see, I have come to realize that it is something people can use against you.

Can you believe that? Something someone should think of as a good thing... but I realize it is also a weakness or maybe it is perceived as a strength... but I've come to realize, not always the case.

Image taken from HERE
People who know me, and KNOW me well...know that if they wait long enough after a argument or after doing something to me that may have been inconsiderate, that I'll eventually just let it go. They don't have to do anything at all. In some, if not most, cases I'll say sorry first or break the string of tension by talking to them first.

Why would I continue to do that if I know that is what is happening?

Because I can't stand to let things fester and be tense if I've let it go.

But it also puts me at a disadvantage. There are, at times, when I'm feeling particularly down, which is rare, that I hate this about myself.

I wish I could hold onto that hate and tension... because at the time, it feels good. See don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't feel those feelings of never wanting to see or talk to a person again if I disagree or am maybe hurt by them. I feel that stuff. I thrive on it for about, sometimes as little as, 10 seconds. I just can't seem to hold onto it.

Which leaves me the weaker party or the stronger one...depends on how you look at it.

But why should someone push away their pride, or say sorry first, or forgive me, when I'm going to do all the work for them?

And even knowing this. It doesn't make a difference. I'll talk to them first, or if they happen to break the ice first, but don't say sorry, that is good enough for me. I'll talk and be a part of their lives again like nothing ever happened.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I care less? Or care more? I don't know.

But there are times... especially lately and as I get older, that I wish I didn't make it so easy, because at times, rarely, but at times, it makes me feel walked on.

But oh well, give me a few minutes and all get over it... for now.



Andrea said...

I actually wish I was more like that in some cases. Sometimes I hold onto to stuff...and it's so not good for me. Other times I think I am like this (for certain people) and I just play the doormat and forgive when I shouldn't.

You shouldn't be afraid to have published this post. I think there are a lot of us who get what you're saying. At least I do!

Annette Lyon said...

I've learned this lesson the hard way--that some of my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses. Mine's something else that also sound really awesome but has landed me in hot water lots of times.

It's an odd paradox, but there it is.

Dawn Smith (Bee and Rose) said...

I finally came to believe that forgiveness was not about condoning the behavior of someone really was about setting me free from the negative emotions that I felt about that situation or person...

very thought provoking post!

Garden of Egan said...

You are the stronger one because you are free from the poison festering inside.
You are too sweet to carry ugliness.

Lara said...

I have never thought of it this way. I also forgive super easily, and while I enjoy being free of holding grudges and such, I have noticed that people do tend to take advantage of me a bit. And maybe that's why.

Great post!

The Urban Cowboy said...

It sounds like you have a soft (kind) heart. There is nothing wrong with that, as a matter of fact, it is a strength.

I also forgive easily...but I have come to realize that forgiveness is for ME. I may forgive someone for myself to move forward, but this does not necessarily mean it is for them.

I forgive, but will I forget...depending on what transgression was done, may never happen.

Forgive for yourself, not the other way around.

Oh yea, don't ever let that quality be stripped from who you are.

Steph said...

I am the same way. We are like twins. Only you are hotter, skinnier, and younger... but other than that. TWINS

Anonymous said...

You know where I stand on the power thing. You over think that greatly. If the person you forgive makes you happy and you explain to them how they hurt you then let it go. If it is continuing cycle then you gotta do something diff.

Emily said...

Loved this post. I wish I could forgive more easily. I'm probably right in the middle...I hold onto a grudge for a little bit then finally let it go. And I'm getting better all the time at forgiving quickly. It's just not worth my time or energy to be upset!

I don't think it's a weakness at all!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Andrea-- I'm glad people can relate. I understand that holding onto something like that only goes bad for people... but sometimes I wish I held out just a bit longer. Make them make an effort for once. :)

Annette-- It is true. And sucks. But that's what we are here for, to learn, and sometimes to learn from our strengths, if even at times, they seem like our weaknesses.

Dawn--aaahhh so true. It is about me. Forgiveness is kind of selfish in a way. I forget that. But you are totally right. It's about letting those things go for me, because while at first those feelings feel powerful, in the end that just eat at a person and make them become hateful. I don't have the patience for that kind of commitment :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Garden of Egan--I think we were meant to always be friends. You seem to always know how to say the right things. To make me not seem so dumb and vulnerable. Love ya.

Lara!!! Where have you been! It was so nice to see your avatar this morning and get your comment. I realize this is a very negative way to look at forgiveness. But it just sometimes feels exactly like that... like you are taken advantage of.

Steph--NO WAY AM I YOUNGER! I've always thought you were younger? WE need to have a round table here because now I'm speechless. And hotter is totally subjective-crazy beautiful bump it hair that I'm envious of!

Sage- "If the person you forgive makes you happy and you explain to them how they hurt you then let it go" -- but the thing is... most people do make me happy. Even when I disagree with them or get hurt by them somehow... they still can make me happy. The problem with the whole cycle thing is that I'm the one that allows the cycle to continue... but I don't know how to stop it or change it or make it different because I have a hard time NOT just letting it go... that would be the change I would have to make. I've tried... and I'm just no good at it. Especially if I really truly care and have a good relationship with them... happy isn't my problem.

Over-thinking could be... but i don't know how to stop that either. Even when I'm bugged with someone--I still consider myself happy.

It's just those times when I allow myself to think about the forgiveness things and power things that I ever feel bad about it. Those times are usually rare and don't last long... but somehow they sneak in my thought process and it's hard to control.


TUC-- "Oh yea, don't ever let that quality be stripped from who you are." I'm not sure it is even possible. It is so much apart of who I am. But you are right... just because I forgive, I don't always forget. But really, it is rare that I remember... If I've let it go... come a few months down the road, if it is brought up, I'll be like, "ah yea... you sucked that day" but I don't let it get to me.

Ya know... just once in a while, when it does, do I ever care that I let it go so easily and forgave so fast.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Emily-- I think in the middle is "the grass is greener on the other side for me" at times.

But you are right. It's too much energy. And maybe that is why it comes so easily to me to let it go...cause I'm lazy :)

Kristina P. said...

I had a conversation about this with someone last week. I get really angry initially, and tend to fume. But give me a day, and then I'm good.

Anonymous said...

When I just can't get it straight I post naked pics of myself on the net, then I am so embarrassed the other stuff goes away!

Candice said...

Sometimes I wish I had that problem. You see, I'm the exact opposite. I may forgive once, but you rarely get a second chance with me.

If it's something petty, than fine, but I refused to be taken advantage of and walked all over.

Barbaloot said...

I know what you mean. More often than not, I can forgive (or most likely forget) pretty easily. But there are times when I WANT to hang on to that anger and hurt. I want the people that hurt me to KNOW they hurt me and to feel bad that they hurt me.

And then I usually forget I felt that way.

Homer and Queen said...

Don't apologize for such a trait, the people that take advantage are the ones that should be slapped. I forgive quickly also, but after it happens alot from the same person, I walk away. I HATE contention. I do not need high maintenance friends, I have enough family for that!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Kristina-Yes, that is exactly how it goes. Give me a day, an hour, a few minutes... depending upon what it is... and I'm good.

Sage--Seriously? Yea, that isn't going to work for me.

Candice-- "If it's something petty, than fine, but I refused to be taken advantage of and walked all over." see, even those opposite feel that they are getting walked on if they let go of it or forgive. I get what you mean... I totally do.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Barb-- "I want the people that hurt me to KNOW they hurt me and to feel bad that they hurt me.

And then I usually forget I felt that way." EXACTLY!!! That is me. I want so badly for them to feel what I feel... then a little later... opps, what was wrong?

Queen--It's true. If it happens a lot and the connection isn't deep or they aren't blood... I can walk away. I get bored with it.

annie valentine said...

Shelle, yours is one of the first posts I've read in weeks, and would you believe I came down to lose myself at the computer because I was struggling with this EXACT SAME THING tonight. I needed to hear this.

And you're right, it's good that we're fast forgivers, but I have learned that it's also okay to distance myself from those who walk all over me and think I don't have any backbone. I don't have to be close to people like that, and gosh darn it, I'm not going to give a portion of my love and concern to people who sucker punch me. We can forgive and step away.

Such good therapy for me. Love you.

SciFi Dad said...

There are many positive character traits that, if discovered by the wrong individual, can be abused.

I don't forgive easily, but I am always willing to help. We have some people in our lives who CONSTANTLY call me for help with stuff (usually computer) and don't seem to care if I'm eating dinner with the family or about to put the kids to bed... they need their internet NOW.

And, I'm ashamed to admit, I struggle with telling them I'll help later. I usually do, but not until my wife gives me "the look".

Anonymous said...

Sending you hugs Shelle!

I can see how that trait can be a strength and at the same time, can be a weakness.

In my opinion, people who walk on you are not friends, nor are they family. Have you thought about telling these people who this makes you feel? Just curious :)

I'm the opposite of you. Growing up, I forgave way too easily. That stopped when I removed myself from an abusive relationship.

Now, I don't forgive very easily (the only person who gets my forgiveness quickly is my husband but he knows what would happen if he used that to his advantage).

I've had people tell me, recently, that I should forgive a certain person who is unfortunately in my life. Why? WHY should I bend to forgive someone who won't even acknowledge that they've done something terribly wrong? Screw that.

Again, sending you hugs Shelle. You're a sweetheart. And if ever you think someone is walking on you, be strong and speak up!

Que said...

Maybe it shouldn't be looked at as a "weaker" or "stronger" trait. I don't think that forgiveness is a problem. The problem (to me an no one else) is forgiving for the same issue more than a few times. I let a LOT roll off my back. My wife hates that I DON'T argue. I will discuss but I won't go into the whole arguing thing. But I will drop any problem I have. It only becomes an issue when I find myself forgiving for the same misstep.

In the end, though, it's probably better to forgive than to hold on to the anger. So you are probably (whether you feel like it or not) on the better side of the equation.

wendy said...

Well, I think you'll live alot longer then alot of us Shell.
I think it is a wonderful quality you have to forgive and let go. are being walked on by others, they are the lesser person.
I am NOT one to get churchy on people, but I think that is what Christ would want from us.
To forgive.
To let go.

and then to say your sorry, and still have people not be willing to forgive is a very painful thing.
After my last divorce and decision to move up here I certainly experienced that.
The lack of forgiveness from those I am still "waiting on" is like an open wound.

so ask yourself, do you want to be like THAT, not willing to forgive, hurting people.....or be the one who forgives, and yes sometimes have people take advantage of that.

I think I would rather try and absorb my own pain....then think I was inflicting it on others.

be yhour sweet self always

Danielle said...

People that hold grudges are hurting themselves more than anyone else. That causes a ton of pain and emotion. I think that you letting it go, is the best way.

T said...

coming late to this party! ugh. I think it's because you've already throat punched them in your mind... so when you see them in person you've already dealt with it...

okay, probably not, but being a forgiving person is a good trait (not that I hope to exploit it) - you'll live a longer, healthier life... and have lots of friends who are grateful for your forgiving nature and who will also finally grow up and stop taking advantage of it. or maybe you'll just have to take to throat punching IRL if they never grow up?

Momma Sunshine said...

I think there's a difference between forgiveness and boundaries. It's good to forgive - not for the other person, but for yourself. But you also have to have good enough boundaries so that people know they can't exploit your positive trait for their negative benefit.

PorkStar said...

totally understand what you mean. I'm currently going through a situation like that and its a very dreary feeling. I personally wished I also had the strength to just get up and walk away

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Scifi- my husband is the same way. He helps and is sometimes too nice to just tell them no. So right on about it getting abused if discovered by the wrong individual.

Que- I totally agree... It's that I keep allowing them to do their thing. It's harder for me if I really care. If it's just some one I know just a bit then I don't ever have to see or deal with them again... Ya know?

Wendy-that makes feel better actually, what you said about that's what christ wants for us. I'm sorry- but I do know how that feels and I think that is what keeps me from allowing someone to feel that.

Danielle-thanks girl. Sometimes it just doesn't feel that way.

T-as long as I get to live longer... Will it help my wrinkles also?

Momma Sunshine- that is exactly what I need. Boundaries. That's so true. I see that I do set those up sometimes. I need to be more consistent with it.

Porkstar-welcome!!! It is dreary indeed. And me too!!! I just wish I could walk away, but I don't seem to have the strength for it!

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