This post has sat here in my drafts for a while. Not sure if typing this out for everyone to see was a very good idea.
But here you are, reading this, because I pressed PUBLISH POST.
There is this trait I have, that at first, I felt was a good character trait about me, but I have come to realize that maybe it isn't.
I forgive easily.
Seems like something that one would strive for. Forgiving. I know many people that have a hard time with it, and struggle to let go of a past grudge they have against someone who has done something to harm them physically or emotionally.
Not me. It isn't a problem.
I have always been able to let things go.
Let me explain how I've figured out that this has come to be, maybe, something not so good for me.
You see, I have come to realize that it is something people can use against you.
Can you believe that? Something someone should think of as a good thing... but I realize it is also a weakness or maybe it is perceived as a strength... but I've come to realize, not always the case.
|Image taken from HERE|
Why would I continue to do that if I know that is what is happening?
Because I can't stand to let things fester and be tense if I've let it go.
But it also puts me at a disadvantage. There are, at times, when I'm feeling particularly down, which is rare, that I hate this about myself.
I wish I could hold onto that hate and tension... because at the time, it feels good. See don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't feel those feelings of never wanting to see or talk to a person again if I disagree or am maybe hurt by them. I feel that stuff. I thrive on it for about, sometimes as little as, 10 seconds. I just can't seem to hold onto it.
Which leaves me the weaker party or the stronger one...depends on how you look at it.
But why should someone push away their pride, or say sorry first, or forgive me, when I'm going to do all the work for them?
And even knowing this. It doesn't make a difference. I'll talk to them first, or if they happen to break the ice first, but don't say sorry, that is good enough for me. I'll talk and be a part of their lives again like nothing ever happened.
So what does this mean? Does it mean I care less? Or care more? I don't know.
But there are times... especially lately and as I get older, that I wish I didn't make it so easy, because at times, rarely, but at times, it makes me feel walked on.
But oh well, give me a few minutes and all get over it... for now.