Monday, August 16, 2010

Direct me in the right direction, thanks in advance...

I get up really early in the morning. Like, spooky early, in the morning. And let’s just say... I may be a bit paranoid, or that is what the experts may or may not say...

I’ve been doing this for about 4 years now and the paranoia hasn’t lessened. If anything, it gains speed with each passing day I have to wake up and get into work at a time that even the night animals are resting their heads.

I have had, I SWEAR, people follow me. Those times I’ll circle around the town until I lose them and then head into my work parking lot. I've become an expert at "losing" them when they turn off a street and proceed to stop following me.

I check under my car to make sure no one is going to hack my Achilles tendon... because, ya know, that would suck.

I look in my windows to make sure no one is going to surprise attack me from the back seat.

I keep my headlights off until I back up, and then, and only then, do I turn on my headlights but just the ones that shine the orange on the sides because I don’t want to wake my babies as they sleep innocently in their beds-which as resulted in some various nicking of some trash bins and other random things left out that may be somewhat close to the driveway I back out of (my back up sensors don’t pick that kind of stuff up--so it can’t really be my fault--I still have sleep bugs in my eyes at that time in the morning no matter how many times I absently rub them to focus more)... Just sayin.

Anyway... there is one thing, that no matter what, and I even KNOW it’s coming, I still give a little yelp (more like a horror movie scream) when it happens.

The stupid BUGS! Gah! It’s like they know my schedule and they set up a surprise attack every time. They’re smart those little bugs. Real smart.

They change time and position so that I won’t know where one of them will sneak out of a crack, or rock, or from a tree, and head straight for me!

I realize I’m the bigger part of the circle of life in this scenario. The only thing is, I never even attack back. I just scream like a 3-year-old girl and side step whatever is coming my way, and run like I’m about to be murdered, to the door of my work, where I frantically try and pull out my ID to get in!

Never fails. Even writing this, I realize that tomorrow it will be the same.

I would love to pick up the security camera tapes that record that every morning. I keep checking on YouTube because it HAS to entertain someone!?

What kind of phobia is this do you think? I’ve asked Google, but nothing. I’m thinking I don’t have the right search terms- CRAZY BUGS PLAN ATTACK ON HUMAN FEMALE EVERY MORNING- IF THEY CATCH HER MAY BE PLANNING SOME SICK KIND OF RAPE OR EVEN WORSE A SLOW TORTURE FOR A REASON UNKNOWN TO THE HUMAN FEMALE-all I get is alien movies and this is my REAL LIFE people.

So I thought I’d ask you guys what you think? Blogging is therapeutic, and true, and I know that there is someone medically or psychotic enough to understand what I’m saying and direct me in the right direction for help.

Thank you in advance,


Garden of Egan said...

Well I have to get up crazy early to get to work too, but I don't live in a place that is hot as the bowels of Hades. I live in a place that has snow on the ground thirteen months out of the year so therefore, we don't grow big nasty bugs.
Bugs around these parts barely get enough time to get their groove on before a frost kills them and all the offspring they've made.

I have no advice for you other than moving to Alaska or the North Pole.
But I am keeping my eyes peeled on youtube hoping for some entertainment.
You painted a fabulous visual picture for me this morning.

Emily said...

Every insect is in cahoots with each other, especially the ants and those ginormous flying beetles.

Kristina P. said...

Maybe you can form some type of support group with Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Seems like this is right up their alley.

Cherie said...

This just had me cracking up! I think you may have seen too many movies/cartoons where bugs can actually think co-herently and talk!!

T said...

it's not paranoia if the plot is real... I saw invest in a can of Raid - only give it a nice new Mace label so nobody thinks you're completely crazy :)

T said...

I'm pretty sure I meant "I say..." instead of "I saw..." because it just makes more sense that way...

Gucci Mama said...

We're two peas in the pod of awesome. I could have written these very words.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Garden of Egan--you are brilliant... let's convince my husband to move by you... Let me know if you see it on YouTube.

Emily--I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!! (you're not helping)

Kristina-you really think so? Those girls are two of my most favoritist people because of their incredible example to our youth...
I'm honored.

Cherie--Wait... back up... are you saying that bugs DON'T talk??? (hello... someone has never seen bugs life!)

T-you get me. You really really get me... and the concept of really scary desert like bugs. Just sayin.

GM-NO freaking doubt we are two peas in the same pod of awesome... which I think is my new favorite saying.

Steph said...

I hate bugs. Kill them all. Gas them. ahhhhhh

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

That's why we get along Steph. In my house I attack them or whatever I need to do so that I don't have to see them. But I can't seem to grasp that I'm in charge at that early morning hour!

Barbaloot said...

They have this new invention called bug's supposed to be pretty helpful.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Hey Barb--I don't like that tone you are taking with me! :)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Oh, I hear ya! I grew up in Florida where the bugs try to climb into your bed and snuggle up to you, sneak into your car (I swear they tried to hot wire it once) and eat all the leftovers in the kitchen.

Perhaps there are a number of secret bug cells planning attacks in different areas of the country.

Bugs... terrorists... same diff!

wendy said...

Where in the heck do you work??

so I am guessing my little stint in a hotel with bed bugs would not have suited you well??

Just carry a can or RAID and say MAKE MY DAY.........I am packing!!

The Urban Cowboy said...

I read somewhere that the average person swallows so many spiders {can't remember the number} every year during their sleep.

Think about that one for a while!

Andrea said...

I thought I was the only one who still did that heel-knife-under-the-car check thing!!

Have you ever seen the way cicadias operate? Five years ago they all came out in Philly and attacked the crap out of me everytime I opened my door. NO JOKE. Don't screw around with bugs...

BTW - What is your job and how do I get one like it? Cause, despite the early mornings, it sounds fun :) (And I am being serious, I need a job...)

Tiaras said...

I hate mornings before the sun - really - couldn't do it!

Danielle said...

I want to be a "fly on the wall" so to speak and watch this ritual.

binks said...

I'm with you. I HATE BUGS!!
I just flung a giant cockroach, off the back of my neck, across the conference room at a staff meeting last week. It totally surprised me that I didn't scream like a wild banshee.
I must've been trying to impress the cute guy I was sitting next to.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Serene--I could totally believe that... seriously. I believe you. I must talk about this with my therapist ;)

Wendy--No way, no how, bugs in the room and I'm OUT! lol @ I am packing.

TUC-that's creepy... and wrong... and I think I read that too... my best friend Google will know how many spiders!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Andrea- hahahaha @ don't mess with bugs... I swear they are smarter than most people give them credit for. Or way coincidental!

I work for an airline as an aircraft router. I threatened them to take me or else... it seemed to work. That and I'd happened to work for Jet Blue before.

Tiaras-it's tough... I'm not going to lie. And sometimes I just can't do it. But I suffer for it when I'm working into the setting of the sun.

Danielle--I'd laugh right along with you... I bet i look so dumb.

Binks!!! My favorite Floridian!!! I miss you. Okay okay... now I'd like to know how you didn't scream... I couldn't do it. I'm not that cool. I scream... every time.

Tracie said...

OMG! That post was so funny. I look under my car - and the back seats as well. I still look under my bed at night (we won't even talk about the time the kids thought it would be funny to be hiding under there when I looked).

Kids and I went to some animal thingy. Zookeeper guy asked me if I wanted to hold the hissing madagascar cockroach. "Not unless you want to find it on the bottom of my shoe."

UC's comments will give me nightmares!

binks said...

Yikes!! I never heard that spider thing before! Imma be up ALL might!
p.s. I totally check my car when I get in and have been known to circle the block when I feel i'm being followed. I even hold a key between my fingers when walking to my car at night. Just in case I need to punch someone & do extra damage.
BTW - I'll be in Vegas at the end of January if you guys are still around. I'd love to see ya!!

Papa K said...

I'm actually preparing to write a post on spiders real soon because I freakin' hate spiders!

And Junebugs... those dumb little POS's. They're just so stupid it annoys me.

peedee said...

I'm bug-o-phobic too. I'm not sure what its called and its late so I havent read the responses before mine.

I am up at the ass crack of dawn too and I have to sit outside while the dogs smell every flippen blade of grass and the bugs come looking for me. Then I let them in and I have to sit outside and smoke my butt. Just me and the bugs. I HATE mornings with a passion.

And your right, it NEVER gets better. Ever. Everyday is the same nightmare. I feel your pain.

Que said...

I personally don't know whether I'm going to laugh or give you the number to a good therapist. Odds are I will laugh... a lot... but validate it by saying if she really wanted my help she would ask for it. Then I will go squash a bug in your honor and see if they get the message.

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