Thursday, September 15, 2011

Weight

I know it's been forever and for the first time in a long time, I feel like when I first started my blog and wrote about stuff on my mind, knowing nobody was really out there to read or hear it.

But I finally have something I want to write about. My loved ones and close family and friends are sick of hearing about it and so I find myself having, again, no where else to go but the vast emptiness that can make up the World Wide Web.

I got on the scale today. Up 2 more pounds. I don't know what it is about seeing that number, but it does something to me. My inner bully starts attacking my self-worth... basing it on my weight, even though I know conscientiously that my worth is based on who I am as a person, how I treat people, especially those closest to me- and how I am behind closed doors when nobody is there to watch or judge. I know it shouldn't be based off of a number a scale spews forth whenever I step on it.

So I find myself, again, telling myself this is the day I eat better. See my problem has never been, really, the exercise part. Although there has been times I have been more lacking in that area--it's always something I have tried to continue to do. This last year I have been consistent in going to CrossFit--a very intense way to work out. Barring these last few summer months... I went everyday during the week and sometimes on Saturday's. I know I got stronger, I know I lost inches, yet that scale wavered maybe one or two pounds at the most. Summer months were busy, with work, and photography, and traveling, lots and lots of traveling, I got an infection that I had to stop working out for a bit and just recently have done something to my shoulder (Not work out related). So I've still gone and worked out... but only like 3 times a week. So I KNOW my eating is what is my problem.

So I told myself today after I stepped off the scale that I am marking this day as the Day one of Finding Healthy Shelle. The infamous lifestyle change that I know is just out of my reach. I have this new resolve, yet in the back of my mind I see defeat. "Shelle you've said that before" or "I won't hold my breath". I KNOW that in order to change my body, I need to be really strict for a while and as I get to where I want to LOOK not necessarily weigh... then I can lessen up on the strict a meal or two here and there. But I am my own worst obstacle. How do I change this? What can I do mentally to make THIS time the time it works?

I know it can. I know with eating better and the exercise are an equation that just works. At my CrossFit box it has worked repeatedly. Do these people just have more control? Do I have a serious food addiction? Am I weaker? How did they do it and I seem to struggle so much?

All things I think about constantly. I don't want to be a dreamer... I want it to happen, I want it to work, I want to NOT make it such a big deal anymore.

I don't know where I was going with this. Probably no where. I just spewed forth anything that was on my mind, which is constantly on my mind, day in and day out.

Better stop now though. If there is anyone out there still getting my feeds. I hope you are doing well. I miss blogging, I really wish I had more time to do it everyday.

17 comments:

L'sJourney said...

I know all too well how this goes... Thank you for sharing.

Laura (Utah Bloggers)
L's Journey

Brenda said...

Oh man! It's like you took those thoughts right out of my brain!!! I am right there with you! Workouts happen consistently but the food gets me everyday!!!! If you ever get it figured out, let me know! I struggle so bad!!! Good luck!!!

Cluttered Brain said...

Totally know what you mean...Y does food have to taste so good? ugh. And exercise can be so hard to train your body to do?
Hang in there...
I need to get on the workout regime too...sigh.
you are still in my feed....:)

Kristina P. said...

I don't own a scale, nor do I weight myself. I go strictly by how I look and feel, and how my clothes fit. It's emotionally healthier for me that way.

TisforTonya said...

can I just "ditto" that whole thing? Well, except that today is Day #2 of my healthier eating lifestyle... really.

I actually started a nutrition class Tuesday night that turned out to be a weight loss challenge as well... and now I HAVE to lose weight or the class gets pricier.

I stepped up my workouts a teensy bit (really, can't do much more than that) and have eaten well for 36 hours now... 12 more weeks of this and I'm going to be a smokin' hot momma... right???

well, I'd better, because I don't think my ego can take another failure, really.

You can call anytime - we'll be eachother's "fitness accountability team"... which shortens to a hilariously inappropriate acronym... oops!

luckily the battery in my scale is dead - so at least for week one I can just pretend I'm doing AWESOME!

Barbaloot said...

Oh gosh. These words: "Do these people just have more control? Do I have a serious food addiction? Am I weaker? How did they do it and I seem to struggle so much?"---totally things I have said to myself. More than once.

It's a pain. I hate having to think about it. I hate that I can't just be healthy and be disciplined. I'm the same as you---working out isn't an issue. Food is. Wish I knew something to say to help you. If you ever figure anything out, let me know:)

In the mean time, good to hear from you---however infrequent:)

... said...

Shell-

I feel the exact same way as you. I always look at all of these other girls and think why can they do it and I can't. And then I look at our own brother and see how much control he has and I think. . .why can't I do it like him...I don't know what it is I believe I am addicted to food also. And then I think in my head I am a mom and I am a wife and I have way more to worry about then being stick skinny. . .Who knows the answer, I just think we need to find a balance that we put ourselves first. . .Love ya sis!

The Random Blogette said...

I am right there with you. I have lost a lot of weight recently, but it is still a constant struggle. One week I am on the losing streak and then the next week I am up 2 lbs. I think the focus should be more on being healthy than losing weight. I know that sometimes it goes hand in hand but sometimes it doesn't. Don't beat your self up because of that scale.

Wonder Woman said...

I echo this post exactly. The lack of blogging, having only one thing to talk about, weight, yummy food, exercise.......I'M THERE.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

I've got a book for you that I think will help. It's called Change Anything and it explains exactly why willpower alone isn't enough to solve your problems. They have some really good techniques that you use to supplement the willpower to make the changes stick. Check it out and let me know how you like it.

Garden of Egan said...

I have nothing to say except you are beautiful.
As for my eating habits....I have nothing to say.

Dawnee said...

This is my first time here... and I just wanted you to know, as everyone else here has, that I am SO with you on this. I'm very glad you took the time to blog about it so that we can each know we are not alone.

Kritta22 said...

I don't weigh myself either. It's just a number. You are beautiful no matter what that number is! I heart you.

Ps I'm glad you're blogging again.

wendy said...

YAY...shes baaaaack.
Shelle...girlfriend!!!! you stepped on the scale and only saw a 2 lb weight gain.
Oh I'd give anything to have to see ONLY that.
Since moving here, and all the adjustments, loneliness, and stress I have gone through I have gained TWENTY lbs.
Now that is something to cry about
I don't have a gym to go to here like I did in Utah, and I went all the time.
so I know I have totally dropped the ball on the work out part.
and yes...my eating needs to change too.
I HATE HATE my body right now, and it really does a number on me. (ha ha, get it...number, like a 20lb number)
so........Like you, I gotta get a grip.
Cause I want to feel good about myself again

and I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. I think you are a doer
I heard this saying
THERE IS DO....OR DO NOT. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TRY.(yoda)

Shannon said...

Hi Rachelle! I totally know how you feel. I have finally felt like enough is enough. Excercise has never been my problem either. I play soccer 3 times a week and run two other. Food is my problem.

Recently I lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks. What helped me in myfitnesspal.com. It totally works for my personality. You type in what you weigh, how much you want to excercise and how fast you want to lose. Then it tells you how many calories you need to eat daily and how much you need to excercise weekly. I type in all the foods I eat and it lets me know the calories. It really makes me think about what I eat and my portion size. I am not hungry and I don't want to go over my number so I eat smart. I love it and it totally works for me. It's not some fad or quick fix. It is calories in/calories out and that makes sense to me!!! I weigh myself once a week just to make sure it is working for me, but I agree don't worry about a number on a scale but how you feel. You are beautiful!!!
Lots of LOve,
Shannon

Your my 4ever21 said...

You are on the right road! I lost thirty pounds by watching what I ate and going to the gym! I loved Zumba!! I am now pregnant now and the gym is a distant memeory but I as soon as she is born I am going back. You should try Zumba it is really fun and you can get a great work out in!! Good luck sweeit!

Just Jules said...

I have no idea what you are talking about I am "naturally skinny"


sigh.......

I wish. It is hard, very very hard. If it wasn't everyone would be a size 5/7 and the diet industry wouldn't be as loaded as it is.

It is about moderation. when you start denying yourself stuff is when you lose. a handful of cheetos instead of sitting down with the bag...a snack size snickers instead of the king size.... letting yourself have- but in moderation. It is hard though and at times depressing. but if you are dedicated I know you can do it. you are strong and strong willed. I believe in you.

Here you Go SciFi Dad