Friday, January 11, 2013

Wow... it's been a long time since the last time I posted.  Everything on Blogger is different and I hope this post even goes out!

I haven't been posting on this blog because I've been dealing with life and I took a very long break.  But I have a post in my heart and I feel like I'm probably not the only one that goes through this.  So I have decided to write it down and maybe it will reach someone out there.

I'm going to talk about weight.  Doesn't seem like it should be a relationship issue... but I think it is.  I have probably done EVERY diet in the book, what a cliche right?  How many times have you heard that exact line when someone writes about a weight loss success story?  Well this isn't that kind of post, at least not yet. I have yet to lose any weight, it seems like every time I try to lose weight I am successful a little bit, but then I'm right back where I started.  I have a major food addiction I think.  I'm not overly obese, but I LOVE food.  I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad or depressed, when I'm excited or bored.  I eat and I love tasty food.  Do I necessarily always feel good after I eat certain things?  No.  I sometimes feel horrible and sick and bloated and yucky.  Sometimes I feel happier, but it doesn't last for long.  Just like a drug addiction, I wait for the next short fix.

Having my belly issue affects my marriage because it affects my sex life.  We aren't remiss of sex, it's just that I don't always feel comfortable or sexy, and I hate that.  It's more intimate when I can let go and just enjoy the experience... but the minute I feel the jiggle or look down at the extra weight, I zone out and I don't connect with my husband like I should.  It's sad, and I know I have a few choices, do something about it, or change my way of thinking.

Maybe though, those things go hand in hand.  Maybe I need to do something about it AND change the way I think about myself?  The only thing is,  I'm scared.  I've failed SO many times that I'm afraid to let myself down again.  I have to make that lifestyle change not only for myself but for my relationship.

My husband loves me, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, but inside my mind it is so ugly that I can't help the depression that comes over me when I see the numbers on the scale or the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and it frustrates my husband.  He doesn't like that I feel that way about myself and he doesn't know what to do about it.  He tells me he doesn't understand how I can see something so different than what he sees, yet I do.  And it affects how I am behind closed doors which affects him.

I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have, but my weight does make a difference and I WANT to be a success.

So here is my accountability.  I am going on the Fat to Fit journey.  I am going to do the meal plans, continue with my exercise, take the pictures, take the measurements, and do it.  Day by day.  Inch by inch.  This isn't a new year's resolution.  It has to be a saving grace, it has to be a lifetime resolution.


I'm seeking any critique's, words of encouragement, kicks in the butt, or just thoughts. Am I alone in this?  Does anybody constantly constantly fail because they can't seem to hurdle over there own fears?

That is, if anybody even reads this blog anymore!


Here you Go SciFi Dad